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+---- Thread: [Trashed] Application - mrdigdug118 (/showthread.php?tid=588)
RE: [Pending] Application - mrdigdug118 - LuckyLeaf - 14-07-2014
Hello digdug, it's time for the second round, and here we go.
-=oOo=-
So before we go into the finer details that need to be ironed out, I'd like to point out some misconceptions that you may have.
The Civil War: You mention the North and the South of the Middle Realm being in war, and while this is feasible, I have the feeling that you're relating the Civil War of the setting to the actual Civil War that happened between North and South America.
The war, or a series of wars that happened in the lore, is widespread all throughout the Middle Realm. Multiple kingdoms, cities and factions are at war with each other and they can have their own reasons for going to war. So not only are the North and the South of the Middle Realm at war, but so are the West and the East of the Realm. Save for the most remote areas of the Main Continent, almost all of the cities and towns would have been affected by the wars.
Religion: So the setting has its own religions, one each for the three races. Mesalians, the people of the Middle Realm, have mainly a polytheistic religion, which means that they worship multiple gods. Of course, there are different religions for different groups of people as they could have their own beliefs, but the most widespread and familiar religion is the religion that you can find here: http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread.php?tid=220
-=oOo=-
That's the couple of things that you might have had misconceptions on, and so now, we move on to the next bit, elaboration, which I am going to separate from realism for this round.
Slavery: You mention that Ivar was "slaved" by his father, can you elaborate on this point? Being affected so severely in such a young age would have affected Ivar and would have left a mark that would have carried on to his adulthood. That being said, the oppression he received as a child deserves more detailing. Please elaborate on how he was slaved, as you say, and how it has affected Ivar.
Blacksmith: For smithing being his main skill, there aren't much details in the story that backs up the skill. All that I can see of it is that he helped out his father, who isn't mentioned to be a blacksmith, and that George taught him to spot poor materials. I'd like you to show me a better idea of Ivar being a blacksmith, throw in some details on how he spent his time in the forges, how his father taught him, if at all, and how it affected him and his aspirations.
Education: I appreciate that you put in that he had wanted to learn, but was rejected the chance by circumstances, and I'd like to see more of this in the story. How did this affect Ivar? You mention how he was rejected, but I'd like to see how Ivar dealt with the problem, not how the others treated him for having the problem. Being called a peasant, and not being able to pursue a different course of life, how did Ivar feel about all this, and how did he learn to cope, if ever? Please flesh out this point.
Farming: So the lad doesn't like nature, which was quite sudden and unexpected in the story. Out of the blue he doesn't like farming, because he thinks its too easy of a job. In addition to that, he doesn't like crows as well, because they steal wheat from the fields. From what I can understand of the story, his opinions on farming are rather abrupt and unrelated to the general gist of things, and leads me to wonder; what made him so averse to farming? Was there an incident in his life that made him this way? Or was there something else, something taught to him by his parents that made him look farming as an inferior job? Please explain this point in further detail.
George: Then there's this lad, a friend named George, who doesn't get much attention in the story for having turned Ivar's life around completely. This guy, just comes into Ivar's life and flips it over, getting him out his hometown and helping him start his own smithy, and in addition to that, he's well versed in the arts of trade and smithing as well. And for such a guy with such a big role, he's not given the attention that he deserves. I feel that he could do with some more details too. What was the guy like? Why'd he even decide to help Ivar out in the first place? Show him some love, and give him some life.
-=oOo=-
Next up, is realism, and there are a couple of things here that needs fixing.
Lava Forge: As you may know, lava is basically molten rock, and really has no place inside a forge. Maybe if the blacksmiths melted down rocks to form specific shapes, but then, there are sculptors that do that for a living, and blacksmiths have better things to melt down in the forges, like iron.
And there is also the fact that lava is a very, very hot liquid. It's usually around 700 - 1200 degrees Celsius, which is more than enough to kill people instantly. So if Ivar's father had dipped an iron sword into 'lava', as you say, and burned Ivar, it wouldn't have ended with just a burn and a scar. It would have killed him; the pain would have been too much, or the heat could have damaged a vital organ. Think on this please, as you need your character alive to be able to play.
Begging: Apparently Ivar starts begging at the age of 20, even though his father presumably has a forge, and Ivar himself was a "co-worker". If he already had a job, why would he be begging on the streets? Surely he's better off putting more time into honing his skills and forging better stuff to sell. And really, I don't think people would give their spare change to people that they know have jobs.
Leaving with George: Remember Ivar's mum? The one that's depending completely on Ivar for her survival? I personally find it hard to believe that Ivar would simply leave his mother like that to fend for herself, when she's got no means of livelihood whatsoever. Ivar could have become heartless towards his mother who is completely dependent on him, sure, but even so, his mother wouldn't be willing to let him go that easily, certainly not with only a kiss. Give the mother reasons why she'd let her son go off into the world unknown, risking her survival, or well, give reasons why Ivar would decide to leave his mother to her own devices.
That's about it for realism, and lastly, your story must end with your character leaving for the Forbidden Lands, as that is where the server is set in.
-=oOo=-
Last section here is the lore, which has only one issue.
Gate to the Dusk Realm: It's actually curious as to why you removed this bit, as relation to this bit of the lore was actually present before. But yes, it's now missing a mention of the gate opening and the tenseness that followed the event, so please edit accordingly.
-=oOo=-
I think we can leave this round at this for now. You mostly have to flesh the story out, give more details on Ivar, and show me what kind of a guy he really is. Currently I don't have much to go on, other than that he was abused as a child and left later to pursue his dreams.
Edit your story based on the points I gave, and perhaps more, and bump the thread when you're done.
RE: [Pending] Application - mrdigdug118 - mrdigdug118 - 15-07-2014
I hope its better, I explained George and gave him more detail and I gave Ivar's life more detail as well as realism and a bunch more stuff you told me to do.
RE: [Pending] Application - mrdigdug118 - mrdigdug118 - 16-07-2014
*Bump*
RE: [Pending] Application - mrdigdug118 - LuckyLeaf - 16-07-2014
RE: [Pending] Application - mrdigdug118 - mrdigdug118 - 17-07-2014
Completely re-wrote the backstory. Think this version is much more detailed than the others.