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+---- Thread: [Trashed] Application for Barnabas_E (/showthread.php?tid=87)
Re: [Pending] Application for Barnabas_E - Barnabas_E - 18-03-2013
Re: [Pending] Application for Barnabas_E - SentaiPink - 21-03-2013
HI! My name is Pinkie! Sorry for the wait, I'm going to be helping Michelle with your application. You've made some corrections but there's still a lot that needs to be worked out.
Grammar and Formatting
Your application still requires a much more thorough proof reading, right now its very hard to follow and the events don't seem to match up very well with the lore time line, your paragraph breaks are inconsistent, There are a lot of fragmented sentences, You often repeat yourself, and there are entire passages that I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say. There is no need to be wordy with your application but we do require clarity. A considerable revision or a re-write maybe necessary to achieve this.
Like Michelle I have a few points here, and also, this is far from a comprehensive list. I want to again, highly recommend a re-write to remove all of the repetition, simply because its extremely difficult to properly gauge your work or your character with the application in its current state.
- Markus's father was thief and a miner? Why did he steal if he could mine the riches?
- You have a ten year old doing things that there is no possible way a child that age can do. While yes he can travel in a cave that far, at the age of 10 there just isn't any way he could possibly mine the sort of quantities of minerals your back story suggests he did.
- If he was 10 when his mother died, then he would of been 3 when she was 39 and certainly not possible of any of the things listed earlier in his back story, please revise
- Mining is extremely dangerous for amateurs, why did his mother allow him to do so without any sort of tutelage? Did she know how to mine? Did she teach him?
- You still skip over huge chunks of the characters life with little explanation of his doings during this time.
- Your story must end with his ARRIVAL in the forbidden lands. Given our setting and current RP you can't make any assumptions about the FL other then your character will be arriving there.[/list:u]
Feel free to let me know if you have any questions, and sorry again for the delay in the response, Thank you for your patience.
Re: [Pending] Application for Barnabas_E - Barnabas_E - 21-03-2013
I made some changed but I feel like I have already made some of them such as
"Did she teach him"
I think I made it clear that she taught him. anyway ill add more detail about this.
Re: [Pending] Application for Barnabas_E - Barnabas_E - 21-03-2013
I made the changes. But It was very hard and I feel like I am not skilled enough with Role Play and familiar enough with your lore. If this application isn't good enough Please let me know and scrap this one. Maybe I should try again with a younger character?
Re: [Pending] Application for Barnabas_E - SentaiPink - 23-03-2013
Hi Barnabas! Once again I'm so sorry for the wait, I was trying to be as comprehensive as possible given it seems your having a hard time understanding what I'm trying to suggest you correct.
Quote:Markus mined for them they would be kept out of the jails and slave houses. They needed him for the civil war.
The civil wars occur much later, please correct.
Quote:He spent his little time away from the mine alone in the wilderness with only the bears for comfort.
Bears? I'm not sure if you know this but bears maybe the antithesis of comfort.
Quote:He knew every single thing that could go wrong and they had happened to him, every one. It was in his blood, and Hester`s guiding hand lead him until he was far past her mediocre skills and his instinct took over.
This passage is very hard to follow, I know what it is your trying to say but the whole passage about his mother teaching him seems forced and probably should be mentioned at the beginning of his childhood summery, not in the middle.
Quote:This gave Markus his nervousness around people and his love of nature. everything fascinated him. Even the grass on the floor and the moss on the rocks. His life was a one of bliss. he never faced the slavery of his countrymen. His life was a blissful one.
You don't really explain how Markus feels about how his mother treats him, just that it's end result. You talk before this passage of his struggle in the mines then go on to say his life was bliss. Like I said before, you often repeat yourself. This is inconsistent and needs to be revised.
Quote:Xithians
As I stated before, you need to proof read your application, there is still a great deal of errors, like this, along with ideas jumbling together, his early child hood should probably be a few paragraphs, perhaps rewriting it will help you keep the ideas consistent and in chronological order.
Quote:they beat his mother until she was on the door of death. Hester passed away at the age of 46. No one knew her. And yet Markus`s heart was broken.
Grammatical errors aside, you say she was beat near-to-death then that she just drops dead.
Quote:Markus was a loner now.
You change tense mid-sentence or between sentences, it makes a lot of the back story extremely hard to follow. This is the sort of thing you need to look for while proof reading.
Quote:With no one to talk to he spent his 18th birthday with the beasts of the field. He spent his life in the mine. The only thing that kept him sane was the scratching on the cave wall.
Which was it? the wilderness or the mine?
Quote: Markus experienced frequent flashbacks.
Are you implying he as PTSD? What is he having flashbacks of?
Quote:this time his only haven would become the battle ground. Screams.
Again there is a problem with the formatting, a paragraph break here is confusing and unnecessary.
Blood. Man unto man. Steel unto flesh.
- You still don't go into anymore detail as to what he's done with his life, in fact you only account for about 23 years, yet he's 45. You need to include something to show who he is, a story of something he's done with his life, anything.
Quote: But he could not leave until he had paid back the debt he had owed to his people. He would work for the people. For free. In secret. Before he travelled as a cast away to the forbidden lands. he must never pay for his fare for risk of being cast away by the people who witnessed his evil acts.
How did he get any work from people if it was in secret? What work did he do? who did he do it for?
Quote:His conscience twanged as he realised he had left at least at least a quarter of what the food was worth. But then he shrugged. The rats didn't leave tips.
So a man who's tortured with guilt over having mined resources for the sake of the survival of his family, isn't bothered much by stowing-away and stealing food? How does he justify these actions? Why? You need to revise this.[/list:u]
A lot of what I mentioned in my first review remains, particularly with the grammatical, spelling and formatting errors. I only recommend re-writing the application because sometimes going in and adding things only compound's the problem. This has been your third review; Upon the completion of your next revision if the profile is not up to standard I will have to trash the application and you'll need to start anew.