01-03-2014, 04:55 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-03-2014, 01:29 PM by SentaiPink.)
Sorry about the confusion with the posts. This is round two! First though. some thoughts...
If you wish to continue with the tribal origins the following applies:
You still need lore relation.
The age of betrayal to the age of rebirth spans thousands of years. however unlikely, it's plausible a clan existed that long it is NOT possible for them to avoid the events in the lore. Particularly the wars and enslavement. EVERYONE was involved in these events and your application requires them for acceptance. Please re-read the lore, and apply what happened in the age of rebirth to Booker, his tribe and his backstory.
The tribe you created is inconsistent.
Why would a tribe leader want anything more than slaves? What is it that makes this tribe think a butler is anything different? How does Booker know how to read and write when the tribe doesn’t put any value into it? Where does Booker get his books if the tribe has no interest in them? Where does Booker get funds to trade with if he's unwilling to work? If there's no apparent currency in the tribe? I can't imagine any tribe placing value in household staff let alone a man who's supposed to be well read who's been forced into what amounts to slavery being ok with it. These resulting questions in what you’ve provided make the tribe concept inconsistent to the point of being unrealistic. Please revise.
Why are butlers regarded so bizarrely high?
How do they even know what a butler is? Historically they’re really seen as nothing more than male maids or heads of house staff, which your application implies he was anyway. So why are they revered? Why is Booker just ok with being menial house staff when earlier in his backstory he resents menial work? What caused this change? Why? Please revise to address these questions.
How old is he?
You need to list his age or the year more often in the backstory. I can’t tell how old he is when certain events happen and I can’t gauge the accuracy of any lore relation you add without this.
Please proofread your application
Please check for grammar and spelling errors along with typos. Please apply paragraph breaks between changes in speaking characters during conversation. Please proof read, thank you.
Skills
Persuasion, Business
These skills don't come up in his backstory nor do they have any explanation as to where he came to learn them or when he uses them. I can't accept any skills unless the backstory explains in some way where he learned it and how he uses it, and why.
Cuisine, Tailoring
He's pretty skilled at these and just like above they aren't expressly explained in the backstory, the reader is left to assume he learned them while working. We need this expressly explained as to where and when he learned these.
Thank you! You are doing better. If you have any questions feel free to ask here or PM me.
Quote:I use the whole Tribe thing because I wasnt sure how to tie the story into without interfering so... yeah. I hope this works.It appears to me that you attempted to go with a tribe in order to avoid some of the more challenging parts of character creation. Namely the lore. Our lore intentionally specifies very few details about the mainlands to give players the ability to write whatever they need to relate to the lore and give the character they want. You can create a kingdom and everything for the sake of framing your character's backstory. Instead of doing so, which would of easily resulted in the concept of a butler, you went with a tribe to avoid having to relate to the lengthy history Meslian culture. When really this history of enslavement of the Mesalian people gives a good foundation for a character whose whole purpose is servitude. I really think you should give the lore another read and before deciding if you want to keep this concept. Consider how aspects of the lore could help set Booker down the path you want him on. Our lore has a lot of effects on peoples lives or their parents lives, and ideally these effects are what shape them. That is what we're looking for in lore relation. Please consider this, re-read the lore, and if you feel it a better option revise the character concept accordingly.
If you wish to continue with the tribal origins the following applies:
You still need lore relation.
The age of betrayal to the age of rebirth spans thousands of years. however unlikely, it's plausible a clan existed that long it is NOT possible for them to avoid the events in the lore. Particularly the wars and enslavement. EVERYONE was involved in these events and your application requires them for acceptance. Please re-read the lore, and apply what happened in the age of rebirth to Booker, his tribe and his backstory.
The tribe you created is inconsistent.
Why would a tribe leader want anything more than slaves? What is it that makes this tribe think a butler is anything different? How does Booker know how to read and write when the tribe doesn’t put any value into it? Where does Booker get his books if the tribe has no interest in them? Where does Booker get funds to trade with if he's unwilling to work? If there's no apparent currency in the tribe? I can't imagine any tribe placing value in household staff let alone a man who's supposed to be well read who's been forced into what amounts to slavery being ok with it. These resulting questions in what you’ve provided make the tribe concept inconsistent to the point of being unrealistic. Please revise.
Why are butlers regarded so bizarrely high?
How do they even know what a butler is? Historically they’re really seen as nothing more than male maids or heads of house staff, which your application implies he was anyway. So why are they revered? Why is Booker just ok with being menial house staff when earlier in his backstory he resents menial work? What caused this change? Why? Please revise to address these questions.
How old is he?
You need to list his age or the year more often in the backstory. I can’t tell how old he is when certain events happen and I can’t gauge the accuracy of any lore relation you add without this.
Please proofread your application
Please check for grammar and spelling errors along with typos. Please apply paragraph breaks between changes in speaking characters during conversation. Please proof read, thank you.
Skills
Persuasion, Business
These skills don't come up in his backstory nor do they have any explanation as to where he came to learn them or when he uses them. I can't accept any skills unless the backstory explains in some way where he learned it and how he uses it, and why.
Cuisine, Tailoring
He's pretty skilled at these and just like above they aren't expressly explained in the backstory, the reader is left to assume he learned them while working. We need this expressly explained as to where and when he learned these.
Thank you! You are doing better. If you have any questions feel free to ask here or PM me.
