06-06-2013, 07:55 AM
Almost there; there are mostly issues based on detail and realism left.
1. Your character’s backstory lacks information on your character’s life before the age of nine. That is, before he was affected by the Civil War. What was it like? What did he do? Was he taught anything? Please elaborate and/or revise.
2. 'There he found the innkeeper dead on the floor with a note for Valmythrall himself, “Leave town, or die in one week's time.”' This is too random to be considered realistic; it requires slightly more justification. Please elaborate and/or revise.
3. 'And when he had free time he, and a few other of the orphans, would sneak into town to get more practical lessons in knife fighting and camping.' Like the instance in the previous post, this requires slightly more elaboration and detail to be considered realistic. Where would one get lessons on such areas in a town? Why did the character want to learn these things? How did he feel about it? Please elaborate and/or revise.
4. Again, point two in my first post still applies; more personality information is required. Currently, a personality is slightly more evident and hinted at, but you need to be more explicit. Don’t leave anything ambiguous, as staff will later use this to assess whether you are playing your character accurately. If you’re concerned this will negatively impact the flow of the story, I would personally recommend describing the character’s personality in prose under a new section.
That’s all. Good luck.
1. Your character’s backstory lacks information on your character’s life before the age of nine. That is, before he was affected by the Civil War. What was it like? What did he do? Was he taught anything? Please elaborate and/or revise.
2. 'There he found the innkeeper dead on the floor with a note for Valmythrall himself, “Leave town, or die in one week's time.”' This is too random to be considered realistic; it requires slightly more justification. Please elaborate and/or revise.
3. 'And when he had free time he, and a few other of the orphans, would sneak into town to get more practical lessons in knife fighting and camping.' Like the instance in the previous post, this requires slightly more elaboration and detail to be considered realistic. Where would one get lessons on such areas in a town? Why did the character want to learn these things? How did he feel about it? Please elaborate and/or revise.
4. Again, point two in my first post still applies; more personality information is required. Currently, a personality is slightly more evident and hinted at, but you need to be more explicit. Don’t leave anything ambiguous, as staff will later use this to assess whether you are playing your character accurately. If you’re concerned this will negatively impact the flow of the story, I would personally recommend describing the character’s personality in prose under a new section.
That’s all. Good luck.
![[Image: a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zps...1409225114]](http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g158/mnguy3/a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zpsf21a961a.png?t=1409225114)