11-06-2013, 05:38 PM
Apologies for the wait again, but thanks for waiting. With your new edits, some of your old issues have come up again.
1. Your character’s backstory requires proofreading, particularly in attention to sentence structure. This especially applies to any new edits you have made. Please revise.
2. Once again, the backstory’s structure and content requires more cohesion and explicit detail; time is dealt with very vaguely, and as a result it is difficult to assess what exactly has happened to your character and when. For example, what age was the character when he stayed with the inn keeper? When he left the inn? When he took the teaching job? Please revise.
3. “And when he had free time he, and a few other of the orphans, would sneak into town to get more practical lessons in knife fighting and camping.” There is still no explanation as to where one would obtain lessons on these areas in a town. Please revise and/or elaborate.
4. “However, don’t confuse kindness with politeness, he learned very, very, few manners during his time with his parents and at the orphanage so he is still a gem in the rough.
He always tries to be honest and this pairs with his lack of politeness, if you ask a question you might very well get an answer that you don't like.
However, Valmythrall will hardly, if ever, be intentionally cruel to someone to be honest. If someone asks a question about their appearance, for example, he does not find it cruel to tell them if they are ugly, it is simply something they want to know about.”
I find this difficult to believe with your character’s backstory. If his parents didn't teach him manners, and if his orphanage didn't teach him, then what about everyone else he worked for and talked with? Why wouldn’t he have learnt through trial and error in general social interaction? Please elaborate and/or revise.
That’s all for now. Good luck.
1. Your character’s backstory requires proofreading, particularly in attention to sentence structure. This especially applies to any new edits you have made. Please revise.
2. Once again, the backstory’s structure and content requires more cohesion and explicit detail; time is dealt with very vaguely, and as a result it is difficult to assess what exactly has happened to your character and when. For example, what age was the character when he stayed with the inn keeper? When he left the inn? When he took the teaching job? Please revise.
3. “And when he had free time he, and a few other of the orphans, would sneak into town to get more practical lessons in knife fighting and camping.” There is still no explanation as to where one would obtain lessons on these areas in a town. Please revise and/or elaborate.
4. “However, don’t confuse kindness with politeness, he learned very, very, few manners during his time with his parents and at the orphanage so he is still a gem in the rough.
He always tries to be honest and this pairs with his lack of politeness, if you ask a question you might very well get an answer that you don't like.
However, Valmythrall will hardly, if ever, be intentionally cruel to someone to be honest. If someone asks a question about their appearance, for example, he does not find it cruel to tell them if they are ugly, it is simply something they want to know about.”
I find this difficult to believe with your character’s backstory. If his parents didn't teach him manners, and if his orphanage didn't teach him, then what about everyone else he worked for and talked with? Why wouldn’t he have learnt through trial and error in general social interaction? Please elaborate and/or revise.
That’s all for now. Good luck.
![[Image: a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zps...1409225114]](http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g158/mnguy3/a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zpsf21a961a.png?t=1409225114)