19-07-2013, 07:15 PM
Hey Fire, I'll be handling your character submission.
The timeline of Thomas’ absence seems too short. He left at nineteen years old and came back at twenty? This means he went overseas, went to Salint, got a gang together, went to Provensia, killed a bunch of officials, got jailed and then came back all within a year? I’m rather skeptical about this, but not knowing any specific travel times (Such as how long it takes to sail from the Forbidden Lands to the Mainlands) I can’t make a judgement. Therefore I’d like for you to revise your application with a more specific means of reference. Such as how long he was imprisoned, how long he was working in Provensia, etcetera.
There are a few places in your story that describe events that, while possible, are not plausible. For example, you imply that Martillo knew of Thomas. So why wouldn’t Martillo execute Thomas specifically in an attempt to end the resistance? Why wouldn’t more drastic measures be taken by the guards after a few failed escape attempts during Thomas’ stay in prison? Please reread your backstory and revise through some of these problems.
How was Thomas able to gather and lead a resistance? With no prior abilities in leadership or managing people, battle tactic or strategy, being a stranger to the people of Salint, and other disadvantageous factors I don’t see why the people of Salint would look to him as a leader. Furthermore if Salint was a happy place free of corruption and crime, then why would it’s people want to go back at all? Please revise to clarify some of this.
Good luck with your revisions.
The timeline of Thomas’ absence seems too short. He left at nineteen years old and came back at twenty? This means he went overseas, went to Salint, got a gang together, went to Provensia, killed a bunch of officials, got jailed and then came back all within a year? I’m rather skeptical about this, but not knowing any specific travel times (Such as how long it takes to sail from the Forbidden Lands to the Mainlands) I can’t make a judgement. Therefore I’d like for you to revise your application with a more specific means of reference. Such as how long he was imprisoned, how long he was working in Provensia, etcetera.
There are a few places in your story that describe events that, while possible, are not plausible. For example, you imply that Martillo knew of Thomas. So why wouldn’t Martillo execute Thomas specifically in an attempt to end the resistance? Why wouldn’t more drastic measures be taken by the guards after a few failed escape attempts during Thomas’ stay in prison? Please reread your backstory and revise through some of these problems.
How was Thomas able to gather and lead a resistance? With no prior abilities in leadership or managing people, battle tactic or strategy, being a stranger to the people of Salint, and other disadvantageous factors I don’t see why the people of Salint would look to him as a leader. Furthermore if Salint was a happy place free of corruption and crime, then why would it’s people want to go back at all? Please revise to clarify some of this.
Good luck with your revisions.