03-04-2016, 12:22 AM
Khanhie,
Thanks for writing me back so fast: I can tell you wrote in haste because your T’s aren’t crossed at all. Sorry for making you worry I guess. But anyway, I did what you said and I talked to her anyway. I mean, it was a mix of you saying that the awkwardness was normal and unavoidable, and a mix of me just missing talking to my best friend. I mean, when you go through a rejection you kind of just want to talk to your best friend about it, right? Especially when like the next day you walk into the tavern and her parents are in town and her dad is just… a total cunt to you. Khanh, I hadn’t met him before and I didn’t even know him, and he acted like I was just trash.
Selfish, stupid, trash. I cried about it after I got out of there and I’m kind of crying thinking about it now. It’s so fucking unfair, Khanh. Just another person who looks at me and sees whoever they want. It’s a complicated thing because when I came back to town the meet was still happening, so I went to check it out because no one was anywhere else and… You know me. I had to see what I was missing. I didn't want to do anything but people saw me and were really happy I was back and even though I said I didn't want in on some dancing the tavern keeper said “come on, Lien”. And no one was saying it, but they were all looking at me like… “Why can't you just be yourself?” Lien, queen of the party and never the pooper. I guess it just felt like maybe I was supposed to be better when I came back. But I wasn't. Or I was but just wasn't better enough.
So I got drunk and just let myself be that person they wanted to be, but it didn’t last long because the hangovers were super mad at me, and I kind of made a fool of myself in front of Zai and her ex, so I just pretended to be the person without the help of Ko’ban fire-water. It was… surprisingly easy. I guess having fun even though everything is shit just comes naturally to me. I’m still not really sure if I was pretending or if I was just having fun with a side of guilt, but either way I talked to Zai’s ex and a Shaman (it’s kind of like a Ko’ban monk or a priest) about it and I don’t know. It kind of helped but it also didn’t help. I don’t really know who I actually want people to see, Khanh, but it still stings to know people just don’t give me a chance. Like Zaira’s pa.
Anyway. So I talked to her, and I guess I shouldn’t call Bishop Zaira’s ex anymore because he’s officially un-exed. Already. Which hurts, but it’s not like I can expect her to slow shit down just because I’m not over her. But other than that… it was nice to talk to her again. Wasn’t really as awkward as I thought it’d be, but… I’m just so over feeling this way, Khanh. It’s stupid. I though telling her how I felt would be fine because I wasn’t expecting anything, but really, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be so… affected right now.
Thanks for your advice, again. I don’t know though, I know writing songs worked for you and I know I was the one who gave you that idea in the first place, but every time I try to write one myself I just don’t know. I’m a kind of over writing songs about her. I already wrote two before this mess and all I wish I could do is un-write them. I wish I could just undo all that stuff I did because I didn’t want to treat her like another bed-buddy. Talking to her about pa. The songs. Not sleeping with anyone else, or even hanging out with other fun people. So songs won’t work. I think I just don’t want to fixate on her, Khanh. Or even kind of the idea of her, in that she was maybe another chance at love thing.
I guess I just wish I could make stuff go back to the way it was. So let’s just talk other stuff. Now that you don’t need to write so fast that you neglect pen strokes, how’s things with you? I mean, for me, other than her I’ve been ok. I’ve been leaning on other friends. I even sort of made up with this guy, the guard captain. I never really wrote to you about him, but his name’s Kane and he was kind of one of those people that I mentioned were tough to be friends with. But he’s shutting people off a lot less now, so yeah. I feel pretty loved around here even though… yeah.
Stop worrying about me,
Lien
Thanks for writing me back so fast: I can tell you wrote in haste because your T’s aren’t crossed at all. Sorry for making you worry I guess. But anyway, I did what you said and I talked to her anyway. I mean, it was a mix of you saying that the awkwardness was normal and unavoidable, and a mix of me just missing talking to my best friend. I mean, when you go through a rejection you kind of just want to talk to your best friend about it, right? Especially when like the next day you walk into the tavern and her parents are in town and her dad is just… a total cunt to you. Khanh, I hadn’t met him before and I didn’t even know him, and he acted like I was just trash.
Selfish, stupid, trash. I cried about it after I got out of there and I’m kind of crying thinking about it now. It’s so fucking unfair, Khanh. Just another person who looks at me and sees whoever they want. It’s a complicated thing because when I came back to town the meet was still happening, so I went to check it out because no one was anywhere else and… You know me. I had to see what I was missing. I didn't want to do anything but people saw me and were really happy I was back and even though I said I didn't want in on some dancing the tavern keeper said “come on, Lien”. And no one was saying it, but they were all looking at me like… “Why can't you just be yourself?” Lien, queen of the party and never the pooper. I guess it just felt like maybe I was supposed to be better when I came back. But I wasn't. Or I was but just wasn't better enough.
So I got drunk and just let myself be that person they wanted to be, but it didn’t last long because the hangovers were super mad at me, and I kind of made a fool of myself in front of Zai and her ex, so I just pretended to be the person without the help of Ko’ban fire-water. It was… surprisingly easy. I guess having fun even though everything is shit just comes naturally to me. I’m still not really sure if I was pretending or if I was just having fun with a side of guilt, but either way I talked to Zai’s ex and a Shaman (it’s kind of like a Ko’ban monk or a priest) about it and I don’t know. It kind of helped but it also didn’t help. I don’t really know who I actually want people to see, Khanh, but it still stings to know people just don’t give me a chance. Like Zaira’s pa.
Anyway. So I talked to her, and I guess I shouldn’t call Bishop Zaira’s ex anymore because he’s officially un-exed. Already. Which hurts, but it’s not like I can expect her to slow shit down just because I’m not over her. But other than that… it was nice to talk to her again. Wasn’t really as awkward as I thought it’d be, but… I’m just so over feeling this way, Khanh. It’s stupid. I though telling her how I felt would be fine because I wasn’t expecting anything, but really, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be so… affected right now.
Thanks for your advice, again. I don’t know though, I know writing songs worked for you and I know I was the one who gave you that idea in the first place, but every time I try to write one myself I just don’t know. I’m a kind of over writing songs about her. I already wrote two before this mess and all I wish I could do is un-write them. I wish I could just undo all that stuff I did because I didn’t want to treat her like another bed-buddy. Talking to her about pa. The songs. Not sleeping with anyone else, or even hanging out with other fun people. So songs won’t work. I think I just don’t want to fixate on her, Khanh. Or even kind of the idea of her, in that she was maybe another chance at love thing.
I guess I just wish I could make stuff go back to the way it was. So let’s just talk other stuff. Now that you don’t need to write so fast that you neglect pen strokes, how’s things with you? I mean, for me, other than her I’ve been ok. I’ve been leaning on other friends. I even sort of made up with this guy, the guard captain. I never really wrote to you about him, but his name’s Kane and he was kind of one of those people that I mentioned were tough to be friends with. But he’s shutting people off a lot less now, so yeah. I feel pretty loved around here even though… yeah.
Stop worrying about me,
Lien