21-03-2013, 05:36 AM
HI! My name is Pinkie! Sorry for the wait, I'm going to be helping Michelle with your application. You've made some corrections but there's still a lot that needs to be worked out.
Grammar and Formatting
Your application still requires a much more thorough proof reading, right now its very hard to follow and the events don't seem to match up very well with the lore time line, your paragraph breaks are inconsistent, There are a lot of fragmented sentences, You often repeat yourself, and there are entire passages that I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say. There is no need to be wordy with your application but we do require clarity. A considerable revision or a re-write maybe necessary to achieve this.
Like Michelle I have a few points here, and also, this is far from a comprehensive list. I want to again, highly recommend a re-write to remove all of the repetition, simply because its extremely difficult to properly gauge your work or your character with the application in its current state.
Grammar and Formatting
Your application still requires a much more thorough proof reading, right now its very hard to follow and the events don't seem to match up very well with the lore time line, your paragraph breaks are inconsistent, There are a lot of fragmented sentences, You often repeat yourself, and there are entire passages that I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say. There is no need to be wordy with your application but we do require clarity. A considerable revision or a re-write maybe necessary to achieve this.
Like Michelle I have a few points here, and also, this is far from a comprehensive list. I want to again, highly recommend a re-write to remove all of the repetition, simply because its extremely difficult to properly gauge your work or your character with the application in its current state.
- Markus's father was thief and a miner? Why did he steal if he could mine the riches?
- You have a ten year old doing things that there is no possible way a child that age can do. While yes he can travel in a cave that far, at the age of 10 there just isn't any way he could possibly mine the sort of quantities of minerals your back story suggests he did.
- If he was 10 when his mother died, then he would of been 3 when she was 39 and certainly not possible of any of the things listed earlier in his back story, please revise
- Mining is extremely dangerous for amateurs, why did his mother allow him to do so without any sort of tutelage? Did she know how to mine? Did she teach him?
- You still skip over huge chunks of the characters life with little explanation of his doings during this time.
- Your story must end with his ARRIVAL in the forbidden lands. Given our setting and current RP you can't make any assumptions about the FL other then your character will be arriving there.[/list:u]
Feel free to let me know if you have any questions, and sorry again for the delay in the response, Thank you for your patience.