[Michelle]

Apologies for the long wait, and thanks for your patience.
Still no approval from staff for a second character. Reasons: OOC behaviour, RP skills and character development all require improvement.

1. Your character’s exact age is required; however I’m quite certain you want 52 for now. Please be explicit in the future.
2. Your submission could use proofreading, especially with your spelling of ‘Lucins’ (no apostrophe). However, revision is optional as your work is adequate in this respect.
3. If your character does not have manic depression, then do not use the word ‘bipolar’. This shouldn’t have to be explained further. Please revise.
4. Your character’s personality requires more detail. Currently, there’s some level of emotional complexity, but your character’s personality is mostly based around his age and symptoms of PTSD. More complexity and depth needs to be seen; this must go beyond what is archetypal. Please revise and elaborate.

5. Iron/steel prosthetic and general amputee issues:

• • a) “Has a leg that is amputated and coated in iron.”
    “It's basically a metal boot with little pockets wherever he could fit inside the steel to make it lighter, and then wears it OVER a wooden pegleg as a sort of boot.” This is inconsistent. Please revise and/or clarify. Consistency is required throughout an application; a footnote is ineffective if it contradicts stated information.
    b) “He had to get used to walking on a wooden leg, but also hated how it looked. It took no more than a few days for him to decide what he was going to do about it.” The motivation of aesthetics here is not sufficient enough to justify the iron leg. Being a “wise man with many years of life experience behind him”, your character would seem to be more concerned with practicality over aesthetics. Nothing mentioned in your character’s personality suggests otherwise. Yes, Thorno may have thought it was a good idea at the time, but he’s now a “wise man”. Please revise this, and keep in mind that character fits hand in hand with characterisation; that is, you can say a character acts a certain way, but you must also demonstrate they do.
    c) The general concept of an iron-coated prosthetic is impractical: iron rusts (no stainless steel in that time) and it’s also heavy. Yes, Thonro might be strong enough to lug around an iron-booted prosthetic that’s hollow here and there, but why would he when there are lighter, cheaper, less-likely-to-give-you-tetanus options? Again, the character seems to be more concerned with practicality over aesthetics, and this is what makes me believe this is unrealistic. Please revise, and/or elaborate.
    d) ‘Steel’ and ‘iron’ are often used interchangeably. They aren’t exactly the same. Please clarify and/or revise.
    e) “The doctor, if you could call him that, amputated the leg and replaced it with a wooden peg. Thonro was pissed, there’s no other real way to word that, I’m afraid. He had to get used to walking on a wooden leg, but also hated how it looked. It took no more than a few days for him to decide what he was going to do about it.” Your character loses a leg, and the worst thing about it is the aesthetic of his prosthetic? This requires an approach with more detail, much more depth, and most importantly, much more research. As stated in point 3: this shouldn’t have to be explained further. This is not to say the character is to be defined solely or predominately as being an amputee, but it should affect him and his personality much more deeply than this. Please revise; if you can’t work out the necessary implications of the amputation, then perhaps it should be removed entirely, as it would not add anything significant to the character.[/list:u][/list:u]
    
    6. Points 5 b) and c) also apply to your character’s metal hair clips and bells, though to a lesser extent. Please revise.
    7. “Thonro rarely made friends, and when he did they would be scared off by his cold as steel personality. He was the definition of alone, and that was the way he liked it. He had more time for important things this way.” For a child, this is difficult to believe. It also implies the character has been static in his development since childhood. People simply do not work in this fashion; remember that the purpose of the backstory is to explain how the character’s personality has developed over time. Please revise.
    8. “...not even when the news came that the Xitians were no longer a real threat and that their portal to the Nether had been destroyed.” There are two lore issues here, and you should know what they are by now as they’re quite obvious. Please revise; if you don’t see what’s incorrect, you must re-read the lore and then revise accordingly.
    9. “...he was ordered to gear up and head to a town. He was to live there and be the executioner for the Xitians during the purge. For the length of the purge Thonro was forced to kill Xitians far more than he would have liked to.” It isn’t clear as to why the character’s ordered, or who ordered him, and why he had to comply. Please clarify and/or revise.
    10. “…the resemblance was shocking and uncanny. The way the boy was growing, the strength, everything lead back to Thonro. Somehow no one made the connection.” This is unrealistic, and a brush off. Why did no one make the connection? Please revise and/or elaborate.
    11. “He hoped to Rhise that it was only a wound, and even more so that it was not his son.”
    “Did the Gods look down upon him and see nothing but filth?” This is inconsistent. Please revise and/or clarify.
    12. Thorno’s relationship with his mistress requires more depth overall. Why doesn’t he feel guilty about his actions? If she cheated for a pair of earrings (not the most solid basis for a relationship), why did he end up believing she ‘adored’ him? Please reconsider and revise. Also, give Thorno’s mistress a name. If Darius deserves one, then so does she.
    
    13. Skill issues:
    • • a) “How he got Darius, whom he scarcely talked to now, even compared to before the war, to teach him was beyond even his own comprehension.” This isn’t a sufficient explanation for knowing how to glass blow. It’s rather jarring and out of place, as though it was an afterthought. If Darius was “far too busy with higher matters” to bond with Thorno, then where did he find the time to teach him glass-blowing? Please revise this.
        b) “He spent more time looking over the woman and decided to take up something he hadn't done for years; glassblowing. At first it was shaky and awkward little glass sculptures, but as the months went by he got the hang of it again.” A number of months does not seem like a sufficient amount of time to relearn an unused skill. Please revise.
        c) “He was also advised to learn how to properly use a shield, as it could be a lifesaver on the battlefield, should it ever come to it. He agreed and practiced this way. At the age of 14 he was practicing shielded combat with a broadsword and smithing.” This isn’t listed in the skill section, and as stated in point 13 a), it comes across as an afterthought. Please revise.
        d) “Woodwork : Journeyman - He learned how to carve wooden handles for various things such as pickaxes, swords, and such. He sometimes carves for fun in a piece of wood.” ‘Journeyman’ is considered too high of a level to match the ability described for Thorno. If this is the fullest extent of his skill, he should be a novice.[/list:u][/list:u]
        
        That’s all, for now. Overall, if there’s one point I could emphasise to you, it’s the fact that the backstory is to demonstrate the development of your character’s personality; not just his skills and appearance. On a personal note, I find this concept has potential, but lacks much creativity, innovation and depth. While I understand you miss Bjorn, I’d encourage you to push the envelope further and bring something new to the table. Once again, thanks for waiting and good luck.