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[Pending] The Return of Demotheus
#1
Demotheus had left the pilgrims for a while. He yearned to see the amazing architectural design, carvings and artwork on many of the structures he had passed by on his journey. He brought with him all of his things plus some wood to carve rough sketches of some of the designs he recovers.

He goes to the desert, knowing that the icky dusk spawn aren't a huge problem in the shifting sands, to examine the temple and the sacrificial chamber. He moves quickly through the desert, stopping at the oasis to refresh himself before making the trek to the other side of the desert. He makes his way to the Monk's monastery.

The man himself gave Demotheus a sense of unease, but the beautiful landscape and scenery was too much to pass up. He spent a long time there. Much longer than he had expected to stay. He never liked the monk but he grew to accept that the man simply didn't speak, which is the main reason Demotheus feels unnerved at times around the man.

After accepting some rations for the journey back to Ravanna he bids the Monk farewell, to which the Monk simply nods. Demotheus has the feeling that behind the man's eyes he's relieved that Demotheus is leaving.

He makes his way back to Ravanna with little trouble. Though, whenever he thought he heard the slightest sound of dusk spawn he would quickly get up from wherever he was, pack his things and run as discreetly as he could, hoping that the would-be dusk spawn weren't going to follow, which they rarely did. Demotheus is a quick, if anything, especially when terrified. The adrenaline helps get him where he needs to go - as far away from the rotting bodies as possible and closer to Ravanna.

When he gets to the sign that points to Ravanna he is all too pleased to be in the company of people who will actually respond to his attempts at conversation, which is good because he can only talk to himself for so long before it gets boring.



(I'm kind of extremely bad at this and, again, I had no intention of leaving but I had, so bleh.)
#2
Hey Demo! Fire here, and I'm going to be grading your application. Let's get started, shall we?

1. Formatting - Demo, please use the character format given to you in the Whitelist application format. Just ignore the IGN and "About you" stuff. I would like you to add a section on your characters' skills and another on personality. Take a look at some approved apps to help you along the way.

2. Realism - Something I've noticed in your return story is a lack of realism in the travels of Demotheus. To explain, Demotheus has been away from the setting for two years now. That, however, is not enough time to trek the entire desert, to the monk, and back. There is simply no way for Demotheus to make that distance in that amount of time.

I'd also take into account the dangers of the Dusk Spawn. While areas like the desert have less dusk spawn, the nighttime would still bring a few out.

3. Details - You need to put a lot more punch to your return story. This includes how mostly how Demotheus felt on his journey and his experiences. Currently, the story does not try to convey emotion or feeling, but instead sounds bored. The trip should have lasting impacts on Demetheus, and you should explain these impacts in the story. Something like this may change his character a bit, how? Of course, I need to know more about Demotheus first. This leads back to you adding a personality section.

4. Grammar - I noticed a few grammar issues within your return story. Do some proof reading, add some variance to your sentences, and remove run on sentences. Overall, do some proof reading please.

This is all I have for now, but you are far from done. You're going to need to add a lot more detail before this is finished. Please fix these issues so that we may continue.
#3
Just so this doesn't get trashed because of three day rule (not sure if posting this matters) I won't be updating this till tomorrow or monday! Getting internet changed tomorrow...or monday...Mom won't enlighten me >=O
#4
I don't think I can really complete this, having thought on it for a while now and tried to come up with an idea. Demotheus wasn't really likely to have left in the first place. He's gone for an undisclosed amount of time. I'll just write up a new character, or rather work on the one I have posted.

I plan on bringing Demotheus back when more time has passed (and hopefully when/if staff deem me ready for a second character at that time).
#5
Alright then demo. I will archive this and such. Good luck on your next character application.

Unless you would like something else done with it, of course.
  


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