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[Trashed] Application of Xei
#1
In Game Name(IGN):
Xeimos

Why do you want to join?
Used to play Mesalia, and I'd like to join again.

Do you have any RP'ing experience?
I used to RP on Mesa, and a server called Kingdom of Aeonis.

Tell us a bit about yourself:
I am a person that enjoys throwing markers and mugs at people.

Brief Char Description:
24 years old, about 5"11, has stubble, short, but shaggy brown hair.

Your Character Biography:
During a time us 'Mesalians' called the "Age of Rebirth", a small child named Xei was born into the Middle Realm. Xei's parents had a pub they tended to. Everybody knew his family, and vice versa. Their pub was in it's prime, making the family wealthier than most in the town. The father had built a nice cabin in the woods behind the town. All was looking to be well, until the remaining Xitian refugees took action. The Xitians were corrupting the Mesalian's leaders, causing chaos and more. Xei's family eventually decided to move far away from civilization, before anything too terrible happened.

For about 2 years, they looked for a place to settle down and build a small village in. They eventually found a small, peaceful piece of land not far from a jungle. A small village was founded, and shortly thereafter, a few joined them. There was around 10 people living there; two of them often come and go, whom of which spread news and such to the town of the happenings in the land. The father and another man, named Ruftos, often hunted for food. The mother, along with two mothers, often cooked, cleaned, and tried to teach the children basic skills. After a while, on a certain night with an eerie feel to it, the two wanderers came back to the village with terrible news. A civil war has broke out. This tragic event was a scare for all of them.. They began to try and think as to what they should do.. what they could do.

Eventually, a group of Xitians found the village. Within minutes, the place was burning, the residents fleeing. Xei's mother grabbed him, and fled the burning village, whilst his father stayed back trying to recover what he could. Whilst the mother carried Xei in her arms, they passed Ruftos, who looks to have been decapitated. The image stuck in Xei's head, terrorizing him for the rest of the night.

The mother sat down in an overgrown area, putting Xei down, them both waiting for the return of his father. Xei looked around, trying to make sense of what just happened, as the small group of people retreated into the jungle, trying to recover from the burns they had. They all set up a quick fire, while the woman and the wanderers went to look for some food, and possibly some shelter.

Xei was staring at the ground, troubled and upset. Suddenly, his father appeared, covered in burns. The mother quickly ran to him, and hugged him, a rather large amount of tears falling down her face, whilst Xei merely stayed where he was. The few villagers returned, claiming they had found an old barn, not too far from there. Xei looked over at his mother and father, as they both nodded, the villagers beginning to head to the barn. His mother walked over towards him, and picked him up. She then began to follow the villagers, the father not far behind.

They arrived at the old barn, everybody settling in for the night. Xei's family took the furthest-most left corner of the barn, and set up a little place to stay. The mother and father both went to get some wood and such, as Xei sat there in the barn, saddened. He began to think, a tear occasionally falling down his face. He laid down for a minute, just sitting there, thinking..

The night after the tragedy, Xei woke up early, before all of his family. He looked around, confused. Suddenly, a smile appeared on his face, thinking everything was a dream. He closed his eyes, a grin stuck on his face, eventually giving in to sleep..

Years passed, the few villagers permanently taking refuge in the barn, whilst Xei's family worked on a few cabins for all. The father had Xei help him on numerous occasions - Xei eventually picked up a few tricks, learning how to build small structures and such.

Soon enough, there was about 5 cabins, one for each family, and an extra for a small pub. The family ran the pub, only serving water and a few other drinks, due to the lack of the supplies to make brew alcohol, whilst everyone else eventually made farms, stores, and more. After they had rebuilt a new village, and had things working again, hops, wheat, and sugar all found themselves into the pub somehow. Eventually, the family began to produce alcohol for everyone, expanding the small pub into a tavern, little by little. During this time, Xei was taught how to brew alcohol by his father. He tried to make his own (by himself) one time, and accidentally ended up poisoning the village. No one really knew it was due to Xei's bad alcohol, so the father just chose to keep it a secret. Within enough time, the once again had a nice little village they all lived in.

Xei slung a heavy bag of supplies behind his shoulder, as he walks out of the village. The night sky embraces his warm body, the fog of the swamp shrouding him as he heads south towards the Forbidden Lands. He stops for a minute, and drifts into thought on his way, "I hope the civil war still is not around.." He sighs, shakes his head, and walks off.

Xei rubs his hands together in front of the fire, extremely cold. His body is shivering, the cold air attacking him. There is a tidied-up little tent behind him, with a bunch of random odds and ends to help him get by. Xei gets up, and retreats to his tent, gathering his things in a small knapsack. He puts it in the edge of the tent, rolls out a blanket on the dirt, and lays down, hoping to be able to drift off into sleep.

He sighs loudly, unable to sleep, and gets up. He folds the blanket, putting it in his knapsack. He grabs it, walks out of the tent, takes it apart, and walks off, hoping to find civilization.

Specify your character's skills:
- Carpentry. He's always been interested in doing such a thing; he's made quite a number of small sheds to live in, and some furniture.
- Brewing. He brews his own alcohol from time to time. His father taught him as a teen, and he has enjoyed doing it ever since.

Does your character bring anything to the setting (part from clothes)?
- A couple of tools, such as a hammer, an axe, and some nails.

Anything you'd like to add:
Nothing.

Thank you!





EDIT: Not done editing. Saved a few edits I made.. Had to sleep. Will update tomorrow morning.
#2
Hello, Xei. Just posting to let you know that your application is being reviewed. Pardon the wait, your feedback will be posted soon.
#3
Sorry for the wait, Xei. Anyway, I'm Hutchy and I'll help you through whitelisting.
  • It appears that not much happens to the character or any of his direct relations, with most of the story, following their leave of their town, taking place around a few camp fires. This does not do well to describe the life of the character before coming to the setting. There needs to be some elaboration on this point to help the story describe how the character became who they are, and what they experienced before they came to the Forbidden Lands.
  • Your character’s backstory does little to explain personal growth over his life. The backstory needs to show more description, how he was as a child, how he was through adolescence and then into adulthood.
    For example, we see that the Xitians ransacking their village had an effect, but we don’t know how he was before the event, therefore it is difficult to discern just how much of a change this actually is. Please elaborate on this.
  • Following on from the last points, what has been posted seems to ‘jump about’ with little continuity and material to tie the parts together. This fragments the continuity of the bio and can restrict the amount of detail you can put in to help fix the last point.
  • From the skills you have chosen, there is little justification for them. Neither chemistry, brewing or indeed Xei helping with any carpentry, a cabin is mentioned, but whether he helped build it or not is not is mentioned in the bio. The skills your character has when entering the setting need justification in the bio; How, why or when he was trained, a hobby turned trade etc.
    Alchemy’ This needs to be changed. Such things as alchemy and magic are not present in Mesalia. This needs revision. However, it can be swapped for chemistry, if a reason for Xei to have this skill is incorporated into the bio. Please work these two points into your next edit.
#4
Updated the app.

I took out the twin, went into a lot more detail with everything, and modified a few things. I took out Alchemy, and incorporated how he learned his skills.

Thanks for your time.
#5
Right, Xei, next round.
  • The point in my previous feedback about clear personality development still applies. It is necessary that we see how the character has changed over the years before arriving in the setting. There is room in the story you have written to clearly show how he was as a child and how he changed following the events described. Please work on this.
  • Much of the story does not actually mention or include Xei. The character’s backstory should follow them through their lives up to entering the setting. Sometimes it is necessary to leave the character and expand upon a situation, but Xei rarely appears. When describing the group, as you often do, you should try to mention what Xei is doing, how he is coping with displacement as examples?
    Also, we don’t get many updates on Xei. When he appears, he isn’t much more than a name. How old is he at the times these events take place, has there been any physical change in him?
  • ‘Years passed’ Besides giving a clear idea of how many years have actually passed, you should try to tell the reader what has occurred in that time. Did he gain any new skills, acquaintances? Did any other life changing events take place? Please elaborate on this point.
  • ‘walks out of the tent, takes it apart, and walks off, hoping to find civilization.’ The character’s backstory must end with them arriving in the Forbidden Lands. This ties in with the point ‘as he heads south towards the Forbidden Lands’. You state that he heads south, but there are a few problems here. Since you have not stated he comes from anywhere in particular, we assume he came from the Main Continent, to arrive he would have had to travel north and across water. You must review this as you make the next edit.
  


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