(29-05-2014, 09:38 PM)FireDog Wrote: You're making good progress Demo. You got the skills as to something that I feel fit for Mesalia. Now on to the next part.

Quote:This would have confused her greatly, since they never wasted a single morsel of the food she brought them, nor the occasional clothing or blankets she patched together haphazardly with her limited knowledge. She even went so far as to chew the food for some of the more broken people. Those who had lost their teeth, or were otherwise incapable of eating it properly without assistance.

Just why did the elders punish her for taking care of people who seem to be wounded or sick? She's confused as to why, but you should really say so. Otherwise, it comes off as a contraction. Note, you may want to remove this since taking care of others was removed as a skill.

Quote:When she was sixteen she found that she had started to become more womanly in figure. This attracted men and boys alike who would want to woo her. She was overwhelmed with it all. By the time she was twenty she had "made love" with six different men, each one essentially using her and wearing away her tolerance for men in general. After the sixth man stopped associating himself with her, she was distraught. In their group it wasn't unusual for women and men alike to be prolific. It wasn't even frowned upon. Sex was recognized as a normal thing. No religion told them otherwise. However, she wasn't looking for sex with those men. She was hoping for something more, and each of them betrayed her trust.

Why would she continue to go after men and have sex with the men if she's just been betrayed of what she wanted before? If she doesn't want sex, but a full relationship, why would she continue to have sex? Wouldn't she stop before anything went down if that's not what she wants? Please revise.

Quote:She would learn sewing first, and shortly after cooking. This started at the age of four. At eight years old she was taught, roughly, how to fight with simple bladed weapons or with fists. She was not taught techniques or anything. She was taught to fight dirty. Do whatever it takes to win. She was better than most children her age at all these things, even if by only a little. Her lack of social life contributed to this. Even the sparring never led to much. Just moving onto the next task.

Quote:"I never nu it befor but mommy and daddy not reelee seem to liek me that much. I sayd this to them but they no lisen! I kept asking and they just hit me and sayd for me to keep kwyit. We are bizee they sayd.

Quote:The truth was, her parents never wanted her in the first place. She was very much an accident, and an unwanted one at that. They even detested her. She was different, and they could tell. Not radically so, but they knew she wasn't like the other. Even though she was eventually beaten into submission like other children, she would occasionally slip up. More often than most.

(02-06-2014, 09:14 PM)FireDog Wrote: Apologies for the wait. Been rather busy with exams.

1.

Quote:She would learn sewing first, and shortly after cooking. This started at the age of four. At eight years old she was taught, roughly, how to fight with simple bladed weapons or with fists. She was not taught techniques or anything. She was taught to fight dirty. Do whatever it takes to win. She was better than most children her age at all these things, even if by only a little. Her lack of social life contributed to this. Even the sparring never led to much. Just moving onto the next task.

She is going to have to start learning at an older age. As I told you in my skill posts, around 10-13 is when a character would start learning skills. Ages like four, eight, and so on, are too young. Children at those ages are learning to be people still; interactions with other people and learning things about the world. Not how to cook and fight.

2. What else did she do as a child?

You're very brief with this and lack little detail. A lot of time goes by but noting is really said of her childhood other than that she learned a few thins. Friends? Personal experiences? Please give more detail.

3.

Quote:"I never nu it befor but mommy and daddy not reelee seem to liek me that much. I sayd this to them but they no lisen! I kept asking and they just hit me and sayd for me to keep kwyit. We are bizee they sayd.

I had previously told you to remove the accent. Once again, this can easily be offensive with the dialect. Just because stereotypes are true some times, does not mean you have the right to use said stereotype and not consider it offensive. Yes, it does exist. No, that does not make it okay for you to use in this way.

I'd also like the point out what I previously said about Mongolians, which this culture you made is based off of, do not have this accent.

4.

Quote:The truth was, her parents never wanted her in the first place. She was very much an accident, and an unwanted one at that. They even detested her. She was different, and they could tell. Not radically so, but they knew she wasn't like the other. Even though she was eventually beaten into submission like other children, she would occasionally slip up. More often than most.

The way this is written gives the impression that her not being a wanted child is reason as to why she slips up more than others. Please explain or revise.

5. The sex thing...

Once again, I still feel that she wouldn't sleep around if she wants something other than sex. It's counterintuitive. Even if she finds men attractive, there is still a level of self control that people want. If she truly wanted more than just sex, as the story implies, she would be able to control herself.

A personal example of this was with my character, Calina. She found many men in the setting attractive. However she made a promise to herself to not do anything in that manner till she was married with someone she truly loved. And thus, she didn't.

I believe this takes even more effect when she seems to actually want love and not just sex due to a lack of real love. Once again, there is the manner of self control. I doubt any woman who really wanted something else than just sex would let herself get tricked time and time again when guys are quickly stepping up to get in her pants.

This is all I got for now. Please revise.

Spoiler

Feedback: You’re able to go into details, that’s good. However, in the future I’d advise that you try to keep to an objective perspective of your character. Remember that not everyone have the same taste, thus an objective language when you describe your character’s traits is preferred.

Spoiler

Feedback: Again, awesome to read that you put a lot of thought into details. Keep that up as, at least I find it so, details are fun and rewarding to use in the roleplay itself.