[Syncristo]

Revised. Hope you get better!

[SentaiPink]

You're getting better! But there are still somethings that need worked out.

Franek tells me that he wants to join the army when we arrive in the Forbidden Lands

You mention this army several times, there is no army in the forbidden lands, there are no kingdoms, or wars, there's only a handful of settlements really. Go give the lore another read and please revise.

After we found a reasonable amount of clay Jon put them into the furnace

What furnace? Are they in a town? Did Jon build a oven? That would take a considerable amount of time... try and give us a bit more about this place they arrived at.

I told him that I was sorry for being disobedient at a younger age

You don't offer any explanation as to what he did at a younger age that would lead to him needing to apologize. And given what you've said about his father prior, it makes little sense on how this act would improve him if his dislike for his family is something ingrained from when he was a child. You also lack overall insight into his earlier life.

...My dad is 42 at this time and had witnessed the Seven Sages destroy the dreaded Xitian gateways. My father was an angry man ever since my mother passed away. Even before that, he always hated his children. This was because of how his parents always scolded him for the smallest things he did. Sometimes, he thought that he had done the right thing, but his father still beat him when he had arrived at home...

...Jon showed me how to put clay in brick molds and how to put them in furnaces. He says that I have a natural hand for masonry and all I could tell him was that I got it from his side of the family. He laughed and told a story about how my dad also wanted to become a mason and how he always messed up while Jon was the perfect student. I asked him if because he was not as perfect as you, being mocked all the time, he let his anger out on his family? He told me that this was the best explanation for this. I promised Jon I wouldn’t tell father that I know his lack of masonry skill...

If he knew all along about his fathers issues growing up, then why would this conversation with Jon be any sort of revelation?

I told him that I was sorry for being disobedient at a younger age

Why is it necessary for Russell to then apologize to his father for his behavior when his fathers issues are internal ones. It's unclear how this act would improve his feelings towards his son. And seems to contradict Russel's actions later where he shrug's off his fathers love. please revise to be more consistent.

Word has reached us that Franek had died in battle.

Its not possible nor realistic for word to reach them while hiking through the untamed wilderness that is the forbidden lands.

The following points from my previous post /still/ apply:

• ... When we got to our camp I began looking for clay to make bricks. Jon says that in the next week he will teach me how to cut them....Jon has taught me how to cut bricks ... He showed me how he cuts it then he guided me through the cutting process...
  ...I have been working hard on my cutting and laying procedure...
  

  Bricks are heavy, as are the tools to work them, it is unrealistic to teach masonry while traveling. Please revise.
  
  A run down building will not realistically have piles of uncut brick laying around to practice with nor would the small group be able to carry such things with them. Again remove the unrealistic attempts to learn this tradeskill while moving.

• Father says that he wants nothing to do with me and Jon and that he will take Alice when she comes back. I told him that we didn’t need him anyway, and he looked at me without saying a word, looked down, and walked away. Abandoning his son and brother...

  Your character arrives in the setting alone, so what is the explanation for what's happened with his family?
  
  
  
• You still do not have enough Lore relation. [/list:u]
  Please revise.
  
  Finally, why did his family leave the mainlands? You've not explained that yet. Overall his personality seems a bit inconsistent and your summery contradicts itself. Please revise.
  
  There is a lot that still needs worked on, and while you've made some improvement you've also disregarded some of my prior assessments. Please give the lore another look over. Then revise or rewrite the application as needed. Thank you for your patience. Hopefully we'll get this pegged soon!

[Syncristo]

Updated. Sorry for the wait, I had an ultimate frisbee tournament

[SentaiPink]

Alright, thank you for waiting while I've reviewed the app once more. I need to inform you that this is the final review I can offer for this application. While I've asked for explanations and elaborations on things, you've not managed to follow or adequately adjust the application to my requests. Normally this is done on a three strikes bases but I gave you a bit of Mulligan for the whole entry issues given the setting. That stated, be aware that after the final set of revision, if the application is not up to standard or the revisions not of significance, then you will have to start again with a new application.

• We wanted to leave the mainlands because the Xitians kept oppressing our small town, using my family as farmworkers. I hated them. Every second that I worked was filled with hatred.

  This... makes little sense. How are there Xitians still oppressing anyone after the wars? Where is this town? How is it everyone else didn't just bribe the ship captain's? What did he give the captain if he was being oppressed? How did they slip away? This single statement goes against a lot of the lore and leaves more big questions then it answers. Also, it mentions farming yet he's got no skill in it, and it mentions a hatred for Xitians that isn't in his personality information. Peoples personality evolves from their upbringing and situation so these events in his life shape who Russell is at the end of the story. Keep this in mind when you revise this. This needs HEAVY elaboration. Where is this? How is this possible with our lore? Revise, Or rewrite to make more sense with our lore and be believable.
  
  
  

• I went to go talk to my father after this. He smiled when I walked into the door. It was the first time I’ve ever seen him smile.

  You give no explanation as to why he smiles or doesn't. Why its significant, or really any insight into the characters feelings on it.
  
  
  
• A total of six weeks of training is not sufficient to know much of anything about masonry. it is a complex skill and It's unrealistic he'd have even a novice grasp after such a short while. it would take a minimum of a year for him to be a novice. Revise.
  
  
  
• THE FOLLOWING POINTS FROM MY PREVIOUS POST STILL APPLY:
  
  • There is no army in the forbidden lands, there are no kingdoms, or wars, there's only a handful of settlements really. Go give the lore another read and revise.
    
    
    
  • Bricks are heavy, as are the tools to work them, it is unrealistic to teach masonry while traveling. Please revise. Remove the unrealistic attempts to learn this tradeskill while moving.
    
    
    
  • Its not possible nor realistic for word to reach them while hiking through the untamed wilderness that is the forbidden lands. NOR is it possible for a message to HAPPEN to end up at the town they stop it. No one would of known them or where they'd be. Or if they did tell someone or the brother/sister knew, that's not mentioned anywhere and this stands as a gaping plot hole in the story now. Revise.
    
    
    
  • You still do not have enough Lore relation. It's quite clear that you either haven't read the lore or desperately need to do so again. Revise and elaborate.
    
    
    

  • He tells me that now that both of my siblings have left I am his only thing to love. I asked him if that was a good thing. He told me of course, asking why wouldn’t it be? I shrugged and left to go to my bed.

    This directly contradicts you're personality and you still offer NO explanation for Russells feelings or his behavior. ELABORATE.
    
    
    
  • You offer little about his childhood and what he was like growing up and that isn't considering the considerable lore conflicts mentioned above. elaborate on his childhood. Elaborate.
    
    
    
  • The personality still needs a lot of work, as it stands it's repetitive and lacks any real depth, Your character is more then just some guy who tries to be nice and can be manipulated, what are his character strengths, where are his flaws? People are more complex then this overly simplified summery you've got here. Simply put it needs a lot more elaboration.[/list:u][/list:u]
    
    Again this is my final review, until these things are addressed, a general elaboration on the character and more lore relation is added to this application, you will not pass, and you'll have to start again with a new application.

[Michelle]

Trashed due to 'three days' rule. Feel free to re-apply.