[Syncristo]

In Game Name(IGN):
Syncristo

Why do you want to join?
I used to RP on this server, and I wish to get back into the fun roleplay that I used to have on this server. I've also been roleplaying on different servers, but I have not yet had the experience I had and could have here.

Do you have any RP'ing experience?
I have roleplayed in Minecraft a ton, but I've also Live Action RolePlayed and I used to play turned based roleplaying games for fun.

Tell us a bit about yourself:
Well, I'm currently 15 years old, I like to hang out and have a group of people that I cant trust. I hate school, drama, and hunting. I enjoy skating, partying, and reading. (interesting mix I know)

Your Character Biography:
There was a young mason that stood 5’ 7” and had brown hair. He was well built and was trustworthy, helpful, and friendly if he knew you well. His father was an oppressive man that beat his sons when they were young. His family always comes first to him even though of his father. He tries to do the right thing, but he can be manipulated if someone convinces him that the outcome will have the greatest good.

Week of packing for Forbidden Lands
Hello, my names is Russell Mile, and I begin this journal at the age of seventeen with my family on a small ship traveling to lands that none of us have ever come close to. I have an older brother Franek, and a younger sister Alice. My mother had died 8 years ago. I never finished getting to know her, and now I never will. My dad is 42 at this time and had witnessed the Seven Sages destroy the dreaded Xitian gateways. My father was an angry man ever since my mother passed away. Even before that, he always hated his children. This was because of how his parents always scolded him for the smallest things he did. Sometimes, he thought that he had done the right thing, but his father still beat him when he had arrived at home. We wanted to leave the mainlands because the Xitians kept oppressing our small town, using my family as farmworkers. I hated them. Every second that I worked was filled with hatred. I left one day overcome with fear and ran to the port. There was a boat leaving next week for the Forbidden Lands. I gave everything I had to the captain, and he said that my family can leave with them. I ran back to the house to tell my family and we began to pack right away.
Day 1 of travel by boat
My Uncle, Jon, came along with us. Jon was a remarkable stonemason in the Mainlands, and I admire his work. I need to go to bed before my father finds out I’m up. I’ll probably read before I begin to fall asleep.
Day 3 of travel by boat
I have finally gathered up the courage of asking Uncle Jon if he would be willing to teach me the ways of stonemasonry so I could be his apprentice in the forbidden lands. He said that my idea was remarkable and that he was intrigued that I admired stonemasonry at my age. He told me that he would start to teach me once we arrive in the forbidden lands.
Day 9 of travel by boat
I really enjoy talking to my brother, and I feel that we have grown closer together through this boat ride. I feel that maybe our family could start over in the Forbidden Lands; maybe to become the family my mother had wanted it to be.
Day 15 of travel by boat
Jon has taught me how to use a measuring stick over the last week. Franek and I have become even closer than before, and Alice has started to chime in to our conversations. Franek tells me that he wants to fight in the civil war when we arrive in the Forbidden Lands, but I tell him that I oppose his idea. I really think he is still going to fight when we arrive.
Day 24 of travel by boat
Alice keeps telling me that she wants to become a nurse for the fighters. I ask her if she is just doing that to keep Franek alive while he fights. She tells me that she has been thinking about it for a long time, but ever since Franek has shown interest in joining the resistance she wants to do it more. I think it is because of how she doesn’t want him to die in combat at such a young age. Actually I know that is the case.
Day 32 of travel by boat, arrival in the Forbidden Lands
The crew has found the Forbidden Lands, and we are happy to start our new lives. hopefully Jon will start to teach me the ways of a Mason tomorrow and I can start on my training. Franek is immediately going to join the resistance and Alice is going with him so it will just be father, Jon, and I. We arrived in a small town where we stayed in the Inn. They also have a blacksmith, a stonemason’s shop, and a bakery.
Day 1 of our new life
Jon and I went on a search for clay so that we can create some bricks to work with. Jon has shown me to search the beach more often than the land for clay can be found easier in sand. After we found a reasonable amount of clay Jon put them into the furnace. He told me that the bricks will be ready to work with tomorrow.
I went to go talk to my father after this. He smiled when I walked into the door. It was the first time I’ve ever seen him smile. After we talked he told me to go buy some bread for the dinner tonight at the bakery. Today was a busy day and I need some rest.
Day 2 of our new life
Jon showed me how to put clay in brick molds and how to put them in furnaces. He says that I have a natural hand for masonry and all I could tell him was that I got it from his side of the family.
Day 5 of our new life
I’ve been repeating the steps of finding clay, molding, and burning for the past three days. When I’m not studying the art of masonry, I talk to my father about the common life. He tells me that now that both of my siblings have left I am his only thing to love. I asked him if that was a good thing. He told me of course, asking why wouldn’t it be? I shrugged and left to go to my bed.
Day 15 of our new life
Over the last 10 days, Jon has taught me how to lay bricks, and how to construct brick walls. My father has been quiet in his study, reading and writing about the Forbidden Lands and the creatures that live there.
Day 25 of our new life
Jon has been teaching me heavily on the art of masonwork over the last 10 days. Father says that we should begin to hike over the next week so I have begun to pack up my belongings.
Day 1 of hiking
We left today and we are taking our time on the way. While we hike Jon and I talk about masonry while. When we got to our camp I began looking for clay to make bricks. Jon says that in the next week he will teach me how to cut them. He is a great teacher.
Week 2 of hiking
I feel that I should spread these into weeks rather than days for I can talk more about what happened in a week. Jon has taught me how to cut bricks and at one of our camps theres was a ran down brick building and he pointed out how the bricks were laid so evenly and so precise. That is why it still stands. He told me that the average size of a brick should be 13"x6"x2".
Week 15 of hiking
Today was my birthday and for it father gave me a brick pouch and Jon gave me his measuring stick.
Week 32 of hiking
We were staying at a town for the past two weeks, and we received word that Franek had died during battle. My family mourned for 3 days wondering why he had to go so early in his life. Alice chose to stay and help other people in the battlefield. I guess it is for the greater good. Father is sure to be angry for the rest of the hike. While we were mourning Jon and I went and talked with the stonemason of the town who showed me how to cut bricks properly. I took notes and sketched out what bricks are supposed to look like.
Week 56 of travel
Jon and I kept cracking jokes while hiking. They were stupid yet funny jokes that kept the mood lightened. Father scolded us for playing around whenever our family is dying in the battlefield. I told him that Franek died for a right cause. He slapped me instantly and told me to learn what to say. I miss the smiling father.
Week 76 of travel
We have reached some kind of shining beacons and I suggested to follow them, maybe they will lead to somewhere. We began to follow them and we had to rest, but I see a town off in the distance. We’ve made it to civilization. Finally. I need to still train in masonwork though before I become the mason I wish to be. Father says that he wants nothing to do with me and Jon and that he will take Alice when she comes back. I told him that we didn’t need him anyway, and he looked at me without saying a word, looked down, and walked away. Abandoning his son and brother. Jon starts to run after his brother and I just stood there, dumbfounded... I began to realize that I need to begin my new life by myself. I need to find a mentor...

OOC:
Personality:
Russell tries to do what is best for his family and friends. He always tries to do the right thing, but often does the choice that will end up bad. He tries to be nice. He is devoted to becoming a skilled mason. Sometimes, his study will come before his friends.


Specify your character's skills:

• Masonry - Novice
  Russel was taught by his uncle Jon when they first arrived in the Forbidden Lands. He learned to find clay, put the clay in a mold, and how to burn and strengthen the clay.
  Mathematics - Competent
  Russel has been the top of his class since he was a small child. He finished school early, and has been studying on his own ever since.
  Reading - Competent
  Russel was taught how to read in school, and he has read many books in his 18 years. He LOVES to read.
  Writing - Competent
  Russel has written many stories about his life. He also learned this during his time in school.[/list:u]
  
  
  Does your character bring anything to the setting (part from clothes)?
  A brick pouch and his Uncle's measuring stick.
  
  Anything you'd like to add:
  If I have any grammatical mistakes, I apologize and I will fix them once you tell me what they are. Thanks.

[Syncristo]

Updated character, old one was lacking.

[SentaiPink]

I'm sorry for the wait, thanks for your patience! I'm Pinkie and I'll be helping you with your application. There is a lot that needs work here.

Backstory:
There is nothing in this application that explains who this person was growing up, why his parents where so distant or why he doesn't seem to care for any of his family. There is little to no justification for him murdering his uncle whom he seemed to care for up until the end; does he have a mental disorder? Your character will not be approved with any mental disability. Please see <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://mesalia.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=30&t=177">viewtopic.php?f=30&t=177</a><!-- l --> that explains fully why it is we have to insist on mentally well character. Also, there isn't a whole lot on his personality. To be honest his back story will need heavy revisions or a rewrite to remove any mention or suggestion of mental illness, so it's hard for me to offer a complete review of the character as this substantial change is necessary.

I would like to see an additional section that summarize the characters personality as well as a better explanation of it in his back story. please revise.

Your back story is lacking lore relation, you mention the gates, but nothing about any of the major lore events that would of happened in this characters life time. The gateways between realms are not ICly referred to as portals, You also refer to the mainlands as 'middle continent' which is incorrect. please revise.

The back story has next to nothing in regards to his upbringing or childhood. Please revise.

The way that members of his family just fall over board or drop dead is unrealistic. Please revise.

please see <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://mesalia.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=159">viewtopic.php?f=2&t=159</a><!-- l --> about entering the setting, it doesn't take a year to sail to the forbidden lands. It takes a year traveling IN them to get to our setting, which must be entered from the Northeast or around the cost outside the desert to the south. Please revise.


Skills:
There are very few practical trade skill outside of sailing someone can learn on a boat. I don't think you understand what masonry is, or at least as we understand it to be in this time period and setting, masonry pertains largely to the measuring, cutting and laying of bricks. The uncle at best would of had some simple tools but NO supplies suitable to teach with. While I do think it is possible to teach some things about architecture on a boat, it would not be anywhere near enough to use it realistically as a job. Please revise.

A teenagers will not have ANY expert skills as they've not been alive long enough to learn them. A year of study of any given subject MIGHT give you the most basic of understanding but not enough so to make a living with it or run a business. You don't account for where he learns most of these skills and the number of skills is also too high for someone at this characters age to know. Please revise.


This is everything I've got for the time being. Once these issues are addressed I'll be able to give a more thorough review of the character.

[Syncristo]

Updated. Thanks!

[SentaiPink]

Hello again! Sorry for the delay. I've been sick :c At any rate! Heres my thoughts on the updated application!

Backstory
Overall you're still lacking depth to the character, his family, his relationships with them, his history before this journey takes place, lore relation, and just overall elaboration. I need you to go into more detail on a lot of events and to include more impressions, thoughts, and emotions from the character to understand who he is.

middle continent

You are still using the wrong word for the Mainlands. My instruction to revise from my first post remains.

I asked him what I was like growing up toward other people because all I could think about back then was myself. He explained that I was an angry teenager and child and that I need to learn how to get people to like me.

Your character is all of 18 years old. The fact he has to ask someone what he was like as a child is rather unrealistic, nor do you offer any explanation as to WHY Russell behaves like this when he’s younger. All-in-all your character is lacking depth still, your summery for his personality also does little to enlighten who this person is. We’re not looking for a list of who he likes best, we’re looking for insight into the character of the individual. You shouldn’t need awkward passages like this for the sake of displaying depth or history to the character, this whole passage is written in first person and his narrative alone should convey a lot of these things. If he’s an angry person, then why doesn’t anything he write like he’s angry? So a lot more elaboration on personality in the backstory and the summary is necessary. Please Revise.

Day 12 of travel by boat, arrival in Forbidden Lands

It takes longer than 2 weeks to sail across the ocean. It usually takes 3-6 weeks to do it. Please Revise.

I told him that I was sorry for being disobedient at a younger age and he looked at me for a second and smiled. It was the first time I’ve ever seen him smile.

You list these things that happen to him like a log, not a journal. A log is a vague record of events that occurred and doesn’t include and feelings or insight which is what you have here. Why is there not a word over how it makes him feel to know he’d made progress with his relationship with his father? Write this like a journal, with the thoughts and feelings around each event, this is what will give insight into the character.

Every time we stop for the night Jon will teach me something new.

Bricks are heavy, as are the tools to work them, it is unrealistic to teach masonry while traveling. Please revise.

While we hike Jon and I talk about masonry while Franek and my father talk about the civil war

a brief mention of the wars is not adequate lore relation. please revise

Jon has taught me how to cut bricks and at one of our camps theres was a ran down brick building and he pointed out how the bricks were laid so evenly and so precise. That is why it still stands. I began to cut bricks the next day. He told me that the average size of a brick should be 13"x6"x2". He showed me how he cuts it then he guided me through the cutting process.

A run down building will not realistically have piles of uncut brick laying around to practice with nor would the small group be able to carry such things with them. Again remove the unrealistic attempts to learn this tradeskill while moving.

We were in a town today for rest and a man asked Jon to fix up his house because the attackers have been bombing it

What attackers? Why did they attack this person? Your too vague on whats happened here, please revise.

We have reached some kind of beacons and I suggested to follow them, maybe they will lead to somewhere. We began to follow them and we had to rest, but I see a town off in the distance. We’ve made it to civilization. Finally. I need to still train in masonwork though before I become the mason I wish to be...

Your character arrives in the setting alone, so what is the explanation for what's happened with his family?


Skills
Novice > Apprentice > Competent > Advanced > Expert > Master

"Masonry - Adept"
He has not trained nearly long enough to be adept at this skill, at best he’d be a novice but that isn’t taking into account that it’s unrealistic that he’d of learned while traveling.

You don’t provide adequate explanation for his ‘sketching’ or ‘estimating’ skills. I’d like you to go into depth with the skill list, such as:
Skill - Level
Description of skill and what it entails.


That's all I have for now, Thank you for your patience!