19-04-2013, 03:41 AM
I'm sorry for the wait, thanks for your patience! I'm Pinkie and I'll be helping you with your application. There is a lot that needs work here.
Backstory:
There is nothing in this application that explains who this person was growing up, why his parents where so distant or why he doesn't seem to care for any of his family. There is little to no justification for him murdering his uncle whom he seemed to care for up until the end; does he have a mental disorder? Your character will not be approved with any mental disability. Please see <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://mesalia.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=30&t=177">viewtopic.php?f=30&t=177</a><!-- l --> that explains fully why it is we have to insist on mentally well character. Also, there isn't a whole lot on his personality. To be honest his back story will need heavy revisions or a rewrite to remove any mention or suggestion of mental illness, so it's hard for me to offer a complete review of the character as this substantial change is necessary.
I would like to see an additional section that summarize the characters personality as well as a better explanation of it in his back story. please revise.
Your back story is lacking lore relation, you mention the gates, but nothing about any of the major lore events that would of happened in this characters life time. The gateways between realms are not ICly referred to as portals, You also refer to the mainlands as 'middle continent' which is incorrect. please revise.
The back story has next to nothing in regards to his upbringing or childhood. Please revise.
The way that members of his family just fall over board or drop dead is unrealistic. Please revise.
please see <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://mesalia.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=159">viewtopic.php?f=2&t=159</a><!-- l --> about entering the setting, it doesn't take a year to sail to the forbidden lands. It takes a year traveling IN them to get to our setting, which must be entered from the Northeast or around the cost outside the desert to the south. Please revise.
Skills:
There are very few practical trade skill outside of sailing someone can learn on a boat. I don't think you understand what masonry is, or at least as we understand it to be in this time period and setting, masonry pertains largely to the measuring, cutting and laying of bricks. The uncle at best would of had some simple tools but NO supplies suitable to teach with. While I do think it is possible to teach some things about architecture on a boat, it would not be anywhere near enough to use it realistically as a job. Please revise.
A teenagers will not have ANY expert skills as they've not been alive long enough to learn them. A year of study of any given subject MIGHT give you the most basic of understanding but not enough so to make a living with it or run a business. You don't account for where he learns most of these skills and the number of skills is also too high for someone at this characters age to know. Please revise.
This is everything I've got for the time being. Once these issues are addressed I'll be able to give a more thorough review of the character.
Backstory:
There is nothing in this application that explains who this person was growing up, why his parents where so distant or why he doesn't seem to care for any of his family. There is little to no justification for him murdering his uncle whom he seemed to care for up until the end; does he have a mental disorder? Your character will not be approved with any mental disability. Please see <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://mesalia.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=30&t=177">viewtopic.php?f=30&t=177</a><!-- l --> that explains fully why it is we have to insist on mentally well character. Also, there isn't a whole lot on his personality. To be honest his back story will need heavy revisions or a rewrite to remove any mention or suggestion of mental illness, so it's hard for me to offer a complete review of the character as this substantial change is necessary.
I would like to see an additional section that summarize the characters personality as well as a better explanation of it in his back story. please revise.
Your back story is lacking lore relation, you mention the gates, but nothing about any of the major lore events that would of happened in this characters life time. The gateways between realms are not ICly referred to as portals, You also refer to the mainlands as 'middle continent' which is incorrect. please revise.
The back story has next to nothing in regards to his upbringing or childhood. Please revise.
The way that members of his family just fall over board or drop dead is unrealistic. Please revise.
please see <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://mesalia.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=159">viewtopic.php?f=2&t=159</a><!-- l --> about entering the setting, it doesn't take a year to sail to the forbidden lands. It takes a year traveling IN them to get to our setting, which must be entered from the Northeast or around the cost outside the desert to the south. Please revise.
Skills:
There are very few practical trade skill outside of sailing someone can learn on a boat. I don't think you understand what masonry is, or at least as we understand it to be in this time period and setting, masonry pertains largely to the measuring, cutting and laying of bricks. The uncle at best would of had some simple tools but NO supplies suitable to teach with. While I do think it is possible to teach some things about architecture on a boat, it would not be anywhere near enough to use it realistically as a job. Please revise.
A teenagers will not have ANY expert skills as they've not been alive long enough to learn them. A year of study of any given subject MIGHT give you the most basic of understanding but not enough so to make a living with it or run a business. You don't account for where he learns most of these skills and the number of skills is also too high for someone at this characters age to know. Please revise.
This is everything I've got for the time being. Once these issues are addressed I'll be able to give a more thorough review of the character.