Hi there, CynicalJoker. I’m 3llusive, and I’ll be helping you with your process in applying to Mesalia. We’ve got some work to do before you can be whitelisted, however.
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First and foremost, proofread your application. There are some spelling and grammar issues that make me reluctant to allow a character that specializes in writing. Look for issues on comma splicing, sentence structure, and spelling. Please revise to quell these concerns.
Your character’s personality seems two dimensional. You present your character as sarcastic and cynical throughout your back story. Is there anything more to him? I’d like you to flesh him out a bit more. Try adding a separate section for personality in your application if it’s too difficult to work into the backstory itself. However, please make sure the backstory offers sufficient reasoning for this personality.
More detail is required for your character’s backstory. You remain very vague throughout your character’s backstory. Not enough detail was given about what this character’s experiences throughout his life were. For example, there is hardly anything about your character’s childhood. You didn’t mention that his mother and father became farmers until they were already dead, and even then it’s only implied through the use of the phrase ‘farm house’. Please revise your application in a manner that makes his backstory more detailed.
Your character’s backstory needs to have more relation to the lore of the server. This most likely ties in with my previous point, however know that it is important enough to warrant it’s own point. You didn’t mention any of the post-war events that arose from the Veld War, such as the purges, or the civil wars. Did they affect your character at all? And if they didn’t, why not? Please revise.
More specific issues with your application also need to be addressed.
“Remarkably, Arleth held them off,...”
How would his father, a combat-hardened and talented warrior, be defeated in combat by these bandits and yet Arleth is not? You state rather clearly that he is only of average skill with a sword, while his father’s skill is implied to far surpass this.
“...Loris though willingly, reluctantly cast aside the teaching of battle and the sword and instead educated his child to read and write and be able to discuss skillfully and happily in the new world.”
How would Arleth be taught everything he needs to know to be a well-written author by his father? It seems rather unrealistic that his father is a scholarly warrior, and yet was born in an age of slavery.
“...Forgotten lands...”
The setting of the server is named ‘The Forbidden Lands’.
Please revise in a way that effectively addresses these issues.
That’s everything I have to offer for now. Good luck with your revisions!
~~
First and foremost, proofread your application. There are some spelling and grammar issues that make me reluctant to allow a character that specializes in writing. Look for issues on comma splicing, sentence structure, and spelling. Please revise to quell these concerns.
Your character’s personality seems two dimensional. You present your character as sarcastic and cynical throughout your back story. Is there anything more to him? I’d like you to flesh him out a bit more. Try adding a separate section for personality in your application if it’s too difficult to work into the backstory itself. However, please make sure the backstory offers sufficient reasoning for this personality.
More detail is required for your character’s backstory. You remain very vague throughout your character’s backstory. Not enough detail was given about what this character’s experiences throughout his life were. For example, there is hardly anything about your character’s childhood. You didn’t mention that his mother and father became farmers until they were already dead, and even then it’s only implied through the use of the phrase ‘farm house’. Please revise your application in a manner that makes his backstory more detailed.
Your character’s backstory needs to have more relation to the lore of the server. This most likely ties in with my previous point, however know that it is important enough to warrant it’s own point. You didn’t mention any of the post-war events that arose from the Veld War, such as the purges, or the civil wars. Did they affect your character at all? And if they didn’t, why not? Please revise.
More specific issues with your application also need to be addressed.
“Remarkably, Arleth held them off,...”
How would his father, a combat-hardened and talented warrior, be defeated in combat by these bandits and yet Arleth is not? You state rather clearly that he is only of average skill with a sword, while his father’s skill is implied to far surpass this.
“...Loris though willingly, reluctantly cast aside the teaching of battle and the sword and instead educated his child to read and write and be able to discuss skillfully and happily in the new world.”
How would Arleth be taught everything he needs to know to be a well-written author by his father? It seems rather unrealistic that his father is a scholarly warrior, and yet was born in an age of slavery.
“...Forgotten lands...”
The setting of the server is named ‘The Forbidden Lands’.
Please revise in a way that effectively addresses these issues.
That’s everything I have to offer for now. Good luck with your revisions!