Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
[Trashed] Arleth Luthlian
#1
In Game Name:
CynicalJoker

Why you want to join:
After settling in nicely to worded RPs on various sites and enjoying them massively, I decided I want to take my RPs to a new stage, and that is not only becoming my character, but living out his/her life. The thing that really puts this over worded RPs is the interaction. Whereas on a worded RP one may interact with one man asking a request, and the RPer can carefully consider the next action to benefit himself or herself, if it was in game, the decisions and choices are that of the moment, very realistic and very appealing to me as a prospective member of your community!

RP experiences:
I am currently in three well facilitated, well written worded RPs on one site and two others on a different one. Aside from that I have been an active member of four different ones until their cancellation. I was once part of a Minecraft server RP, but left because it was very OOC.

A bit about me:
As I mentioned in my introduction, I'm a young teen from the jolly old country of England and I mostly enjoy reading, writing and story driven games with a few exceptions. I always enjoy new experiences thoroughly in all aspects of life, one of my goals is to experience all the different cultures of the world. I also pride myself in an ongoing struggle to expand my vocabulary as I find articulation to be one of the most important of traits a person can have, so rest assured that if there is a word I don't understand at one point, that issue shall swiftly be rectified!

Character Biography:
Born two years after the spine-shaking, blood-curdling War of the Veld by the Mesalian warrior Loris Luthlian and his beloved wife, Eleanor Luthlian, Arleth Luthlian was given a name not associated with a typical Mesalian, to mark the new age begun. Attempting to build up a new life of prosperity and a cessation to all woes and conflict, Loris though willingly, reluctantly cast aside the teaching of battle and the sword and instead educated his child to read and write and be able to discuss skillfully and happily in the new world.

When the young Arleth was 10 and started to develop a convoluted, genuine personality for himself, he finally managed to encourage his father to teach him swordplay by a series of blandishing mixed with a tangent of the educational purposes the teaching would serve. Though not the finest student in the lands, Arleth learned how to handle a sword at the age of 17, by which time his articulation and wordplay skills were immense, his sarcastic and sardonic persona. Arleth laughed off his mediocre skills by mocking, 'My tongue is sharper than any sword Father dear. I could scold you right through that broken portal!'

Once he became of age to truly become a man of the lands at the respectable age of 20, Arleth began to make his trade of writing and reading, selling books that broken down and mocked other writers works. He became noted by some for these cynical pieces of 'art', and those who wasted their life away at taverns laughed at the insulting nature of the books. Whenever he received a compliment on such things, Arleth casually laughed alongside them and then cognizanced how such ill-mannered, poorly educated buffoons do not have the right to undermine such writers, only those with level or above intellect could in the young adult's eyes. After a day of browsing the local wares, Arleth returned to the farmhouse where the Luthlian family settled for a quiet life, only to find fire and blood. Corpses of his parents and the remains of a good, innocent life. Beside the body of his father lay his trusty sword which Arleth picked up at the sight of bandits approaching. Remarkably, Arleth held them off, until one stepped forward and slashed his left foot causing him to kneel on the floor with pain as the nearby village guard came to inspect the commotion. Luckily, the wound was healed, but Arleth began to walk ruggedly, with little fluid movement and no chance of making evasive maneuvers along with intense running being a majour issue.

Five years of cynical sarcasm and weary bitterness led Arleth to join a grey sailed ship to the Forgotten Lands, armed with his mind, his tongue and his father's sword, ready to start anew.

Skills:
Adept speech and articulation. (Arleth had a great love of the intense teaching he was given and this enthusiasm led to great success.)

Average swordplay. (Being taught by his father, a very talented rebel warrior in the War of the Veld.)

Novice farming. (Growing up in a farm environment takes it's effect.)

Items on Arleth's Person:
His father's sword.
Some parchment for writing.
A book on the War of the Veld.
#2
I moved this for you. The board you posted in was for players who are already whitelisted and need a character story graded. This board is where you will be whitelisted and where your application will be graded.
#3
Ah, sorry for my misjudgment! ^_^
#4
Hi there, CynicalJoker. I’m 3llusive, and I’ll be helping you with your process in applying to Mesalia. We’ve got some work to do before you can be whitelisted, however.

~~

First and foremost, proofread your application. There are some spelling and grammar issues that make me reluctant to allow a character that specializes in writing. Look for issues on comma splicing, sentence structure, and spelling. Please revise to quell these concerns.


Your character’s personality seems two dimensional. You present your character as sarcastic and cynical throughout your back story. Is there anything more to him? I’d like you to flesh him out a bit more. Try adding a separate section for personality in your application if it’s too difficult to work into the backstory itself. However, please make sure the backstory offers sufficient reasoning for this personality.


More detail is required for your character’s backstory. You remain very vague throughout your character’s backstory. Not enough detail was given about what this character’s experiences throughout his life were. For example, there is hardly anything about your character’s childhood. You didn’t mention that his mother and father became farmers until they were already dead, and even then it’s only implied through the use of the phrase ‘farm house’. Please revise your application in a manner that makes his backstory more detailed.


Your character’s backstory needs to have more relation to the lore of the server. This most likely ties in with my previous point, however know that it is important enough to warrant it’s own point. You didn’t mention any of the post-war events that arose from the Veld War, such as the purges, or the civil wars. Did they affect your character at all? And if they didn’t, why not? Please revise.


More specific issues with your application also need to be addressed.

“Remarkably, Arleth held them off,...”

How would his father, a combat-hardened and talented warrior, be defeated in combat by these bandits and yet Arleth is not? You state rather clearly that he is only of average skill with a sword, while his father’s skill is implied to far surpass this.


“...Loris though willingly, reluctantly cast aside the teaching of battle and the sword and instead educated his child to read and write and be able to discuss skillfully and happily in the new world.”

How would Arleth be taught everything he needs to know to be a well-written author by his father? It seems rather unrealistic that his father is a scholarly warrior, and yet was born in an age of slavery.


“...Forgotten lands...”

The setting of the server is named ‘The Forbidden Lands’.

Please revise in a way that effectively addresses these issues.


That’s everything I have to offer for now. Good luck with your revisions!
#5
I'm trashing this due to our "3 days rule". Feel free to reapply.
  


Forum Jump:

[Trashed] Arleth Luthlian00