[Hutchy]

Alright, Taylor, next round.

• Your app is still lacking sufficient relation to the server’s lore. At the age of 34, she will have been around to witness much of the Civil Wars which were very active and visible through much of the Main Continent. This is a good place for you to start adding the necessary relation to the lore.

• ‘Lastelines village was raided by Xitians when she was 4’ Two things here. Whole not much may have happened in the meantime, we need to see what happened in her earliest years. Also, was there any motivation for this raid? While the character may not have known, or even understood, we need these details. Please elaborate.

• ‘lasteline was found by a caravan of mesalians making their way to the forbidden lands’ You need more detail here. Was she found in the raided town, did she somehow escape from the Xitians? Please elaborate.
  Also, the Forbidden Lands are across a body of water from the Main Continent, to make it there they would have to secure passage on a boat.

• ‘his mother only let him take off his shaded glasses’ Please bear in mind the medievalesque period the server is set in. Glasses cannot have shaded of tinted lenses.

• ‘almost a year passed until the caravan got to the forbidden lands’ Again, we need more detail here, just how did they make it there? As before, note that to get there they must cross an ocean, which from most places would take at least 3 months from most places.

• ‘when the caravan reached the checkpoint set up by the guards everyone was strip searched without issue until several hours later when they searched lasteline and let her through,’ I’m not sure what to make of this, but it seems like you’re implying the Forbidden Lands has a border control. Far from the truth, it’s quite simple to sail over and land in a town or on a beach. This situation is very unlikely, especially the modernism of this search. Please revise this, and the following situation as necessary.

• ‘no idea where she was and no idea where to go. Lasteline lived for two months in the woods, in that time she didn't find anyone and lived off of animals already killed by capable predators not long gone.’ This simply isn’t possible, a child of that age would have no chance alone for that long, even scavenging. At that age children are still heavily dependant on their parents for safety and nourishment. This needs to be revised.

• ‘almost 9 years later’ We see a large time skip here with no description of events in that time. We need to know what happened in that time. Please elaborate.

• ‘Lasteline met with the boys… 26 in total’ It’s unlikely that anyone, child or not, in their right mind would have the spine to tackle a camp of Xitians, the same beings that caused the Civil Wars, which at the time would still be raging in some places in the middle lands.
  Following on from this, it seems that it was forgotten that Xitians are capable of manipulating fire, earth and nether, all of these can be a challenge for a trained warrior to contend with, so being overtaken by children is highly unlikely, additionally, that the Xitians are going to bed is irrelevant when we know the children shouted ‘charge’ at the top of their lungs before rushing in, they would have been alerted.

• ‘as the very same axe came down, embedding itself into her shoulder and knocking her out instantly’ This is not likely to happen. A child of her age’s build the arm would easily be cut off, and best case scenario she doesn’t bleed out or die from shock.

• ‘when Lasteline woke up she was in bed, very pale and leaning on the bed’ As before, we need the details. How did she get here and/or who brought them?

• ‘Lasteling painfully managed to pick it up only to find that it was a bow made of what looked to be black stone and light as a feather’ There are several problems with this. First is that this bow suddenly appears. Where did it come from? Also, a bow simply cannot be made out of stone, and no wood resembles stone in that way, nor would it be that light. Please revise.

• ‘told her that she had been asleep for almost 3 months from all of the blood that she had lost.’ This simply is not possible, to keep a body stable for this amount of time these days is a challenge, please remember that this is a medievalesque setting. After a day or two she’d likely be tossed into a pit with the sewage and called dead. Even if it were possible, there’s no two ways about it, losing that much blood would be fatal.

That's it for this round, bump the thread again when you've made your edits and we'll continue.