16-08-2014, 07:59 AM
Hello warrior, I'm Leaf, who'll be reviewing your application. I apologize for the late reply, but I was rather held up by IRL issues.
But enough of that, let's get right down to business.
I'm going to separate my review into three major issues I find on your app; this part here is going to be on lore.
Where are we?: Basically, there aren't any relations to the lore, and well, your character's backstory could have happened in any medieval setting, which isn't really that ideal. I suggest you read the lore of our server here and add events and certain characteristics characteristic of our setting into your story.
Here at the Forbidden Lands: In addition to that, your character needs to end up coming to the Forbidden Lands, as that is where every one of our characters are.
Next up is realism and elaboration.
Given away at birth: Remember that a child needs his mother at least for the initial years of his life. Being given away at birth, which not only makes the character of the parents questionable, but it also would definitely be a traumatic experience for the child. I suggest you change this little bit in the story.
Training Uncle: You mention in the story that the uncle, who isn't named, is a man who devoted his entire life to 'training'. I'd like to know what kind of training he did that makes it possible for him to be well versed in so many things like fighting, farming, trading, and such.
Also in relation to this, I'd like to ask if the uncle was so devoted to training, why he would be so concerned on getting a better business. Please elaborate on him.
Sneaking: I find it rather confusing that Ardon would feel the need to sneak from the town to his house when his uncle was apparently a trader of sorts and was in town to seek better business. Maybe you could give a better reason for him learning the skill?
And now we move on to the skills section.
Skills: Well, as of the moment, your skills don't really conform with the format we ask for from our applicants. I suggest you take a look at our skill guide here, and edit accordingly.
I think that's it for now, please edit the things I pointed out, and bump the thread when you're done.
But enough of that, let's get right down to business.
-=oOo=-
I'm going to separate my review into three major issues I find on your app; this part here is going to be on lore.
Where are we?: Basically, there aren't any relations to the lore, and well, your character's backstory could have happened in any medieval setting, which isn't really that ideal. I suggest you read the lore of our server here and add events and certain characteristics characteristic of our setting into your story.
Here at the Forbidden Lands: In addition to that, your character needs to end up coming to the Forbidden Lands, as that is where every one of our characters are.
-=oOo=-
Next up is realism and elaboration.
Given away at birth: Remember that a child needs his mother at least for the initial years of his life. Being given away at birth, which not only makes the character of the parents questionable, but it also would definitely be a traumatic experience for the child. I suggest you change this little bit in the story.
Training Uncle: You mention in the story that the uncle, who isn't named, is a man who devoted his entire life to 'training'. I'd like to know what kind of training he did that makes it possible for him to be well versed in so many things like fighting, farming, trading, and such.
Also in relation to this, I'd like to ask if the uncle was so devoted to training, why he would be so concerned on getting a better business. Please elaborate on him.
Sneaking: I find it rather confusing that Ardon would feel the need to sneak from the town to his house when his uncle was apparently a trader of sorts and was in town to seek better business. Maybe you could give a better reason for him learning the skill?
-=oOo=-
And now we move on to the skills section.
Skills: Well, as of the moment, your skills don't really conform with the format we ask for from our applicants. I suggest you take a look at our skill guide here, and edit accordingly.
-=oOo=-
I think that's it for now, please edit the things I pointed out, and bump the thread when you're done.