04-09-2014, 05:37 AM
Hello warrior! I'm back to review your app.
First of all, good job! I see you're making improvements, and have applied the points that we gave. There's a bit of meat in the story, and I also see that you gave lore relations as well.
Now, there is this one thing that I'm still confused over in your story.
Allergic to sunlight: While I understand that the two children weren't allowed to be under direct sunlight, what we'd like to know is why they weren't to be outside in the sun. Did they have some problems with their skin? Maybe some congenital disease?
Another thing related to this point is what actually happens when they are actually exposed to the sun? Because I somewhat doubt that the two children had never in their roughly 20 years of life been exposed to direct sunlight. What happens when the sun hits them? And how have they felt about being confined to the shadows their entire lives?
I think that's it for now, and the next point should be about the last fix, if nothing else comes up.
Good luck and bump the thread when you're done.9
-=oOo=-
First of all, good job! I see you're making improvements, and have applied the points that we gave. There's a bit of meat in the story, and I also see that you gave lore relations as well.
Now, there is this one thing that I'm still confused over in your story.
Allergic to sunlight: While I understand that the two children weren't allowed to be under direct sunlight, what we'd like to know is why they weren't to be outside in the sun. Did they have some problems with their skin? Maybe some congenital disease?
Another thing related to this point is what actually happens when they are actually exposed to the sun? Because I somewhat doubt that the two children had never in their roughly 20 years of life been exposed to direct sunlight. What happens when the sun hits them? And how have they felt about being confined to the shadows their entire lives?
-=oOo=-
I think that's it for now, and the next point should be about the last fix, if nothing else comes up.
Good luck and bump the thread when you're done.9