22-10-2017, 03:59 PM
Hello, Icarus. I'm Hutchy and I'll be helping you through whitelisting.
I must ask that you follow our application format, found here. It makes is easy to quickly reference and find information we need at a glance without having to dig.
I need to bring to your attention the vagueness of your character's race with phrases such as 'not being very buff like many others of his kind'. I've read through the app and I can't tell whether he's a Mesalian or a Lucin. This must be made clear, but a first-time applicant cannot make a Lucin or Xitian character.
I need bring to attention the height of your character. While it's not necessarily impossible for a character to be tall, even by today's standards, a height of 7'1 is not likely without some reasoning. We do have one character in that height range on the server, but that is due to a serious genetic defect with its own problems. I'm not asking that you make them shorter (even if I do recommend it), but that you realise that a person that height is extremely unlikely to be healthy and stay healthy, will have a lot of trouble in a setting where the average height is much shorter than his and, speaking from personal experience, he'll have a lot of trouble performing day to day tasks as another of a more 'normal' height might. Seriously take these points, and the consequences of such ungainly height and proportions, into consideration when you make your edits.
Alright, first things first, I need to see more relation to the servers lore, which can be found here. Being 20, he'll have been born shortly before the Civil War ended. Make sure to make mention of these and following events in your character's backstory. Speaking of backstory, it needs to end with either your character arriving in or travelling to where the setting takes place. For ease of reference, it's a town called Nightveil.
I'm not entirely sure what this means, was she confused as being a Lucin, or was there some confusion around Lucins and Mesalians? Lucins can be be confused with Mesalians with blue eyes, but the wording here needs a little tweaking.
A few things here, we need to know how many years we're talking about here, and elsewhere, so we can keep track of his age through the backstory. Also we've not heard anything of Lincoln's father until now, a brief word of when he died will fix this problem.
I have to ask for some detail here, it seems to have lead to a few important details in his growth and came quite out of left field.
As for his next three years, I'll need some details of where he stayed, if anywhere, who taught him how to use a sword and how he got the sword if he was thrown out, and what these 'other such skills' are. Also on swords, there is no real 'Lucin model' of swords. Currently accepted lore is that Mesalians, Lucins and Xitians all use the same style of swords, which are almost exclusively European longswords.
Can't speak for the character, but getting on a boat with someone on a several months journey to an out-of-the-way cursed town will never seem like a good idea. There are commonly trading ships that will carry passengers to Nightveil, which is how almost all characters arrive in the setting. If you choose to keep the story as is, I need you to give us a reason why Lincoln trusts this total stranger.
Your character’s backstory doesn't do a lot to explain personal growth over his life. The backstory needs to show more description of how he was as a child, how he was through adolescence and then into adulthood, basically how he came to be as you described in the character's personality. It is necessary that we see how the character has changed over the years before arriving in the setting.
Finally, I need you to change up your character's skill section to be more in line with our skill guide, found here. Be sure yo post them as described and to keep in mind your character's age and circumstances when deciding what skills he'll have and what level they are.
That's all for this round. Please post again in this thread when you've made your edits and we'll continue. By the way, bonus brownie points if you highlight your changes in a different colour.
I must ask that you follow our application format, found here. It makes is easy to quickly reference and find information we need at a glance without having to dig.
I need to bring to your attention the vagueness of your character's race with phrases such as 'not being very buff like many others of his kind'. I've read through the app and I can't tell whether he's a Mesalian or a Lucin. This must be made clear, but a first-time applicant cannot make a Lucin or Xitian character.
I need bring to attention the height of your character. While it's not necessarily impossible for a character to be tall, even by today's standards, a height of 7'1 is not likely without some reasoning. We do have one character in that height range on the server, but that is due to a serious genetic defect with its own problems. I'm not asking that you make them shorter (even if I do recommend it), but that you realise that a person that height is extremely unlikely to be healthy and stay healthy, will have a lot of trouble in a setting where the average height is much shorter than his and, speaking from personal experience, he'll have a lot of trouble performing day to day tasks as another of a more 'normal' height might. Seriously take these points, and the consequences of such ungainly height and proportions, into consideration when you make your edits.
Alright, first things first, I need to see more relation to the servers lore, which can be found here. Being 20, he'll have been born shortly before the Civil War ended. Make sure to make mention of these and following events in your character's backstory. Speaking of backstory, it needs to end with either your character arriving in or travelling to where the setting takes place. For ease of reference, it's a town called Nightveil.
Quote:his original mother being a Mesalian that was known as a Lucin in the war of Veld.
I'm not entirely sure what this means, was she confused as being a Lucin, or was there some confusion around Lucins and Mesalians? Lucins can be be confused with Mesalians with blue eyes, but the wording here needs a little tweaking.
Quote:After years, she was killed just like Lincoln's father when Lincoln was around five by a Xitian
A few things here, we need to know how many years we're talking about here, and elsewhere, so we can keep track of his age through the backstory. Also we've not heard anything of Lincoln's father until now, a brief word of when he died will fix this problem.
Quote:until he attacked one of them
I have to ask for some detail here, it seems to have lead to a few important details in his growth and came quite out of left field.
As for his next three years, I'll need some details of where he stayed, if anywhere, who taught him how to use a sword and how he got the sword if he was thrown out, and what these 'other such skills' are. Also on swords, there is no real 'Lucin model' of swords. Currently accepted lore is that Mesalians, Lucins and Xitians all use the same style of swords, which are almost exclusively European longswords.
Can't speak for the character, but getting on a boat with someone on a several months journey to an out-of-the-way cursed town will never seem like a good idea. There are commonly trading ships that will carry passengers to Nightveil, which is how almost all characters arrive in the setting. If you choose to keep the story as is, I need you to give us a reason why Lincoln trusts this total stranger.
Your character’s backstory doesn't do a lot to explain personal growth over his life. The backstory needs to show more description of how he was as a child, how he was through adolescence and then into adulthood, basically how he came to be as you described in the character's personality. It is necessary that we see how the character has changed over the years before arriving in the setting.
Finally, I need you to change up your character's skill section to be more in line with our skill guide, found here. Be sure yo post them as described and to keep in mind your character's age and circumstances when deciding what skills he'll have and what level they are.
That's all for this round. Please post again in this thread when you've made your edits and we'll continue. By the way, bonus brownie points if you highlight your changes in a different colour.