[SentaiPink]

HI! My name is Pinkie! I'll be helping grade your application. You've improved over your frist attempted but nearly everything that Tim had brought up still applies, I'll go ahead and try to break them down a bit more for you so you know where it is your falling short.

1. Grammar & Writing Quality!
   We don't require you to be a English major or anything here at Mesalia but we do have certain expectations as far as grammar, spelling and quality of writing. The whole back story seems somewhat jumbled together, vague, hard to follow, events don't always seem to occur chronologically, and it reads more like a list of events rather then your characters origin story. There's also a lot of spelling errors and words just being used incorrectly. For the sake of ease of reading, please break up the story into paragraphs and please remember to proof read before you resubmit.
   
   There's also a lot of inconsistency in the back story that need corrected or break the realism, such as;
   
   • A six year old isn't going to bring down a full grown man, and it stands to reason the slaves wouldn't be fed very well for him to have grown into a 'large' boy.
     
     
   • You refer to Xitians as beasts and that implies that they're some sort of monsters as opposed to what they are which is another race of humans.
     
     
   • The attack that results in his mothers death and his injury is vary difficult to follow, so much so I can't honestly say I have a good idea of whats happened. Please re-write this section so I might better understand what your trying to convey.[/list:u]
     
     
     
   • More Lore relation. Please take the time to re-read our lore if possible, and include some of the main parts of it in your character's back story, such as the Civil Wars and Purge. (Still applies from first application)
     
     While you've managed to include some lore relation I would like to see more. You don't mention the civil wars at all and it seems to me your a little confused as to what the purges were and how long they took place. As Tim suggested with your previous application, please re-read the lore.
     
     
     
   • The back story needs much, much, more detail. We would like to see a back story that incorporates the lore as well as furthers your character's personality. Take a look at some of these accepted apps for examples of what I mean (This is on our old forum, so please disregard everything else). (Still applies from first application)
     
     The above point remains very true. I would also suggest looking at the character sheets section to see some of the back stories for our current cast of characters.
     
     The following are just a few of the things I stumbled on trying to read this;
     • Who is this friend of his? Whats his importance that warrants mention?
       
     • If the purge attack was a surprise how did the Xitians have time to butcher the slaves let alone come to the conclusion one had escaped?
       
     • How old was Fendrel when each of these events occurred? How did he feel about them?
       
     • Who was this woman that saved him? Why did she save him? Why did she give him her sword?
       
     • It makes no sense he wouldn't know his mother is dead given he's sent to an orphanage, how did losing her effect him?
       
     • What happened in the orphanage? How does an orphan keep hold of a sword for 16 years?
       
     • The back story must end with the character coming to the forbidden lands as that is where this RP takes place[/list:u]
       
       Clearly there are more things omitted then what we learn in this back story. Going farther in depth into each event will help give us a better understanding of just who this character is.
       
       
       
     • You need to show your character's personality in his back story. (Still applies from first application)
       
       Due to the vagueness of point 3, it brings us back to this issue here. Again, an improvement from your first attempt but still not enough detail to have any sort of idea who this man is or how these events shaped him.
       
       
       
     • Quoted from the white list application format instructions:
       "Bringing in too much or non-acceptable items: You may be asked to remove items if there's too much or not acceptable ones with your character. No one starts off having everything sorted!" (Still applies from first application)
       
       This however is now a note in regards to him starting with a weapon given to him from some unnamed savior which he somehow manages to keep despite living in an orphanage. It also begs the question why he would keep such a thing given he's got no idea how to use it. On that note, you will not be given any IG items to start with.
       
       
       
     • Skills
       How good of a miner is your character?
       Just so you are aware this is not a PVP server. It's unlikely there will ever be a need to wear any armor. Listing types of armor he can't wear has little point as he's unlikely to ever come across any.
       
       Also, It seems you haven't read our rules. I would highly recommend looking over them. What has brought this to my attention is your '6 stacks' notation. One block in MC is about a meter (or three feet), a cubic meter of most materials is difficult for a person to carry, there is no reasonable way for someone to carry a stack of anything other then feathers. let alone 6. You can find our rules here.
       http://mesalia-rp.enjin.com/forum/m/2573...rum/685321
       
       
       
     • Need your character's age (Still applies from first application)