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[Trashed] Application for DawnoftheBobs (Fendrel)
#1
In Game Name(IGN):
DawnoftheBobs

Why do you want to join?
I want to join because I enjoyed reading the lore, I have always loved to roleplay, and I want to get back into it.

Do you have any RP'ing experience?
Yes, I have RP'ed on a website called Fabletop.com and on other MC servers that have shut down.

Tell us a bit about yourself:
I am a MCJROTC student, I volunteer allot, I like the outdoors and have 23 horses.

Your Character Biography:
Fendrel was born during the Purge and was forced into mining as a slave for a Xitian Refuge camp, hiding from the slaughter of there people above ground. His mother was unwillingly thrown into a prostitution ring, and his father was executed after they had found out a Mesalian had a child with one of their women. Fendrel never knew his father and had to get taught how to read, and write from the other miners. Many of they had not made it until the end of the purge for they had tried to resist against the Xitian guards and make a break for it, but they were soon overwhelmed and were massacred in front of the others as a warning for those who stood against them. From that point on he had learned how to keep most of his opinions to himself. Years of the same old routine of wake,mine,eat,mine,sleep had made Fendrel a very dull child. To the eyes of the Xitians anyway. Behind the heavy hand of rule, he played, had as much of a childhood he could. One man named Maeylss became his best friend. Then Lucin and Mesalian warriors stormed the cavern one silent night. Catching all off guard, many of the Mesalian slaves were killed, for the Xitians thought one escaped and told the Lucin armies. One of which was Fendrel's mother. Even though he did not know her much he got outraged as soon as he saw the Xitian warrior grab his mother by the hair, picking her off the ground, he ran to the beast of used all of his muscle and momentum to slam its head to the ground. The Xitian slowly arose, faced the large 6 year old, and picked him up. Hurling Fendrel through the air, smashing into the cavern wall. Fendrel was badly injured at that point, his back was internally injured, he could barely stand. Just as the Enormous creature was hulking towards him a Mesalian came through the makeshift doorway and impaled the Xitian in the back. Fendrel was carried out by that same women, whose name he never got a chance to learn. For his mother it was far to late, when the beast came crashing down it had crushed his mothers rib cage, stabbing her heart with her very own bones. The saviors of the day had decided it best not to tell Fendrel for they feared for his sanity. Fendrel grew out the rest of his days at an orphanage until the age of sixteen when they were forced to let him live his life as an adult. He managed to get a job in the only field he was accustomed to, mining, even though it had brought such pain with every swing, memories of what had been. What angered Fendrel the most about his job was that he was not a warrior. For that day of the Xitian's camp's downfall, Fendrel's back was so damaged he could not carry to much weight, he could not wear heavy iron armor, he was shunned by the knights. For he was no longed the boy who needed help, he was the weakling who wanted help.

Specify your character's skills:
Mining(Child labor)
[Bad] Cant wear Iron Armor
[Bad] Cant carry more than 6 stacks of anything at one time.

Do your character bring anything to the setting (part from clothes)?
A steel sword wielded by the women who had saved his life as a child. He had kept it as a "Security Blanket" kinda deal. {I'm going to make it a Iron Sword}

Anything you'd like to add:
I hope you like my new and improved application for Fendrel. If there is anything that needs to be changed or revised, I log on at once a day to check.

***********************************************************************************************
[center]Your humble servant:[/center]
[right]Vicar Fendrel[/right]
#2
Hey, just to let you know, diamond armour has yet to exist in Mesalia, and enchantments also don't exist.

-Conrad, Lore-Keeper of Mesalia
#3
Conradian Wrote:Hey, just to let you know, diamond armour has yet to exist in Mesalia, and enchantments also don't exist.

-Conrad, Lore-Keeper of Mesalia
I have revised it, no enchantment for the sword, and from "heavy" Diamond armor to Iron armor.
[center]Your humble servant:[/center]
[right]Vicar Fendrel[/right]
#4
HI! My name is Pinkie! I'll be helping grade your application. You've improved over your frist attempted but nearly everything that Tim had brought up still applies, I'll go ahead and try to break them down a bit more for you so you know where it is your falling short.

  1. Grammar & Writing Quality!
    We don't require you to be a English major or anything here at Mesalia but we do have certain expectations as far as grammar, spelling and quality of writing. The whole back story seems somewhat jumbled together, vague, hard to follow, events don't always seem to occur chronologically, and it reads more like a list of events rather then your characters origin story. There's also a lot of spelling errors and words just being used incorrectly. For the sake of ease of reading, please break up the story into paragraphs and please remember to proof read before you resubmit.

    There's also a lot of inconsistency in the back story that need corrected or break the realism, such as;
    • A six year old isn't going to bring down a full grown man, and it stands to reason the slaves wouldn't be fed very well for him to have grown into a 'large' boy.

    • You refer to Xitians as beasts and that implies that they're some sort of monsters as opposed to what they are which is another race of humans.

    • The attack that results in his mothers death and his injury is vary difficult to follow, so much so I can't honestly say I have a good idea of whats happened. Please re-write this section so I might better understand what your trying to convey.[/list:u]


    • More Lore relation. Please take the time to re-read our lore if possible, and include some of the main parts of it in your character's back story, such as the Civil Wars and Purge. (Still applies from first application)

      While you've managed to include some lore relation I would like to see more. You don't mention the civil wars at all and it seems to me your a little confused as to what the purges were and how long they took place. As Tim suggested with your previous application, please re-read the lore.


    • The back story needs much, much, more detail. We would like to see a back story that incorporates the lore as well as furthers your character's personality. Take a look at some of these accepted apps for examples of what I mean (This is on our old forum, so please disregard everything else). (Still applies from first application)

      The above point remains very true. I would also suggest looking at the character sheets section to see some of the back stories for our current cast of characters.

      The following are just a few of the things I stumbled on trying to read this;
      • Who is this friend of his? Whats his importance that warrants mention?
      • If the purge attack was a surprise how did the Xitians have time to butcher the slaves let alone come to the conclusion one had escaped?
      • How old was Fendrel when each of these events occurred? How did he feel about them?
      • Who was this woman that saved him? Why did she save him? Why did she give him her sword?
      • It makes no sense he wouldn't know his mother is dead given he's sent to an orphanage, how did losing her effect him?
      • What happened in the orphanage? How does an orphan keep hold of a sword for 16 years?
      • The back story must end with the character coming to the forbidden lands as that is where this RP takes place[/list:u]

        Clearly there are more things omitted then what we learn in this back story. Going farther in depth into each event will help give us a better understanding of just who this character is.


      • You need to show your character's personality in his back story. (Still applies from first application)

        Due to the vagueness of point 3, it brings us back to this issue here. Again, an improvement from your first attempt but still not enough detail to have any sort of idea who this man is or how these events shaped him.


      • Quoted from the white list application format instructions:
        "Bringing in too much or non-acceptable items: You may be asked to remove items if there's too much or not acceptable ones with your character. No one starts off having everything sorted!" (Still applies from first application)

        This however is now a note in regards to him starting with a weapon given to him from some unnamed savior which he somehow manages to keep despite living in an orphanage. It also begs the question why he would keep such a thing given he's got no idea how to use it. On that note, you will not be given any IG items to start with.


      • Skills
        How good of a miner is your character?
        Just so you are aware this is not a PVP server. It's unlikely there will ever be a need to wear any armor. Listing types of armor he can't wear has little point as he's unlikely to ever come across any.

        Also, It seems you haven't read our rules. I would highly recommend looking over them. What has brought this to my attention is your '6 stacks' notation. One block in MC is about a meter (or three feet), a cubic meter of most materials is difficult for a person to carry, there is no reasonable way for someone to carry a stack of anything other then feathers. let alone 6. You can find our rules here.
        http://mesalia-rp.enjin.com/forum/m/2573...rum/685321


      • Need your character's age (Still applies from first application)
#5
I understand what your saying and agree with most of it, but as for the Xitian's being monsters that was just how he saw them, their personalities, and traits. Also i wasnt expecting any items to be given to me, I was just going to set one aside once i made one myself. Anyways, I am going to be busy with some work for a while and I will be thinking about this further on and I would find it much easier if i would just send in an application that I had time to revise, re-read, and get some peer review on. While I'm doing my work, I will be thinking about this and writing it, going back and checking, doing everything I simply did not bother to do with the past two. So if you don't mind delete this post and I will send in a infinitely better application sometime in the future.

P.S. Thank you for being strict and enforcing the lore, rules, ect. While still being helpful. Not enough MC RP servers do that anymore.
[center]Your humble servant:[/center]
[right]Vicar Fendrel[/right]
  


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[Trashed] Application for DawnoftheBobs (Fendrel)00