06-12-2013, 11:20 PM
Right, Ael, second round.
Bump the thread when you are done and we can continue. Good luck.
- ‘The cruel bandits, exiled xitians, who were banished because of treason against their king’ After consulting with staff, I’m afraid that this has to be changed. Following The Purges, the Xitians in the Middle Realm are mostly leaderless, save for small groups. There is no Xitian state in the Middle Realm to commit treason against. Please revise this. I would also suggest that, if you haven’t already, have a re-read of the lore to make sure you have a good grasp before going further.
- The first point of my previous reply still applies. The backstory still needs more relation to the established lore. As I mentioned, it is very unlikely, almost to impossibility, that he would have heard nothing of the Civil Wars and the Purges. Word still travels and damage from both can be seen in most places on the Mainland. If not immediately obvious, after leaving town it would start to become more obvious. The Civil Wars have been raging for 20+ years. Even those who live on the farthest edges of the Mainland world have heard of or experienced them to some degree. Some in his hometown might have lived elsewhere in earlier years and seen something of these major lore events, for example.
- The previous point about detailing the story still applies here. There is a large age gap later into the story, 6 to 14. I’d like to see some more description of what he did in the meantime. Additionally, when the group disbands we’re not given a reason. What happens in the two years he lives in the next village? Finally, your story needs to end with your character arriving in the Forbidden Lands, where our RP setting is located.
- As a last note, I would strongly suggest that you take a look here at this application, to give you a better idea of what we’re looking for in an application.
Bump the thread when you are done and we can continue. Good luck.
