[Hutchy]

Alright, next round is up.

• I’m afraid the reasoning behind the wolf’s lack of aggression isn’t in line with the nature of wolves in general. It isn’t a matter of training that a wolf would try to kill and eat the child or not, but instead it’s instinct. Wolves are opportunistic hunters by their very nature, and, like I said, a small, helpless child left alone with it would be dinner in no time at all. Some domesticated breed of dog would be acceptable here, but a wolf simply is not. Please revise this.

• ‘I knew she was coming by, she traveled 1 week to get to us.’ I’m afraid this still doesn’t explain how the family knew she was coming, there is next to no way of communicating ahead and letting them know she’s coming. Please revise this.

• ‘We lived in Father Favian’s house for months.’ Why did they stay here for so long? WE need the reason behind this extended stay. Please elaborate.

• ‘God gave you a companion’ Most Mesalians do not believe in a single god, there being a whole pantheon. A guide to this religion can be found here, but if the characters we see in this backstory don’t follow this religion, it must be explained in greater detail.

• ‘I saw smoke coming out from every house.’ Following what was said just prior, it’s very unlikely that she would miss this. The noise alone would be heard long before this event came into view and she would definitely not think it’s a joke. Please revise.

• ‘Bombs crashed’ Currently, very few possess the knowledge on how to create bombs, and those that do have difficulty doing so. That said, they are not in ready supply to every roaming band of warriors. Please revise.

• ‘It was Spanish’ The Spanish language doesn’t exist in this setting. While other languages are present, if you use one of your own creation it will require greater detail in this backstory, and possibly in a Lore Proposal later down the line. Please revise.

• Finally, we need an indication of the character’s age during major events. From what I’ve been able to gather, the events before the last paragraph took place within a year or two, then there’s a gap of five years, which will, again, need to be explained in detail, so I'm left to estimate that the character's age is somewhere between 6 and 12. Please work on this point.

These points in mind, I seriously recommend that you take further time to study the lore of this server to help in your edits. It seems you have not fully grasped the essence of this server and could use a hand in this regard. If you have questions, please don't hesitate to ask either myself or another member of staff.

Again, please colour your edits and bump the thread when you are done and we can continue.

[Khaleesi]

Okay , thank you !

[Hutchy]

Alright, Kitty, sorry for the wait.

• ‘and a coin bigger than the rest. It was Spanish.’ I noticed that this was still in the story, and it needs to be removed. I recommend that you look back through the previous feedback and make sure that you have acted on it all accordingly.

• Also, it seems that you misunderstood the skill guide. You have listed the categories rather than the skills she actually has.
  For example, rather than ‘Wilderness - competent’ it would be something like ‘Tracking - Competent’.
  I recommend that you go back and re-read the guide to help you figure out what kind of skills she would have, taking into account life experience and training.

• Finally, while not required, I would recommend that you take the time to either condense or re-write the backstory in it’s entirety. Currently, it has become difficult to read and quite confusing as you have tried to include too much into a small time frame.
  You must keep in mind the capabilities of a child and the dissolution of learned information, an example being when she skinned a rabbit to be suitable to eat after only reading a book, this sort of thing would require some, literal, hand-on experience to perform well. In this branch, you need to bare in mind how long a child could survive alone in the wilderness.
  Finally, there are events in the story that, while it could have been a stroke of luck, appear non-sensical and out of place, namely the man in the shop suddenly asking if a random girl who just walked in is going to the Forbidden Lands.

• As a last point, the RP setting takes place in the Forbidden Lands, at the end your character leaves. Please correct this.

That's all for this round. Please take your time to make sure you properly act on this and previous feedback. In particular, consider my point of condensing or re-writing the backstory to make it easier to follow and understand. Bump the thread when you have made your edits and we can continue.

[Hutchy]

Trashed due to inactivity. Feel free to re-apply.