[LuckyLeaf]

Hello warrior, for round three, I'm afraid I'll be addressing the same issues we had in round two. I'll go over them in detail, and leave you with some suggestions.

-=oOo=-

Lore: So far, you have given mention of the Xitians and Lucins as a story told by the uncle. This is good. However, it seems like you're confused about the timeline and the various events that happened in between.

Currently in the setting, it's been approximately 50 years since the War of Veld, at the end of which the portal to the Dusk Realm was closed by the Seven Sages. Following this, was the Purges, which was basically a genocide of the Xitians remaining on the Middle Realm. Soon after, with a short period of peace, began the Civil Wars, which raged throughout the lands for years until a spark in the then broken portal to the Dusk Realm instigated worry and fear in the Mesalians. Peace was quickly formed and when the Dusk Portal actually opened, negotiations were made with one Xitian that stepped through.

So, since Ardon's age is around 24, what you have to include in his backstory are events such as Civil Wars, and the opening of the Dusk Portal. As these things happened in his life, you will have to mention how these things affected his life, and how they didn't and why, if you decide for Ardon to be ignorant.

The other events, such as the Purges or the War of Veld, don't need to be known by Ardon, but if you so choose, his parents or other old people around him could have experienced them, and thus could have indirectly affected Ardon. It's your choice.

If you have any questions on the lore, feel free to pm me.

-=oOo=-

Moving on to skills. Remember that I said that I'm looking to see how good Ardon is at certain things, and not a list of what he is capable of. For example, a character could run, breathe, talk and everything else an average human is expected to be able to do, but he could specific skills that sets him apart. So I'll go over his skills one by one.

Little above average strength: This is rather unnecessary, as this is technically a skill. It's more of a characteristic, and it depends more on the character's background, and how the player decides to RP it out.

Can shoot a bow: I'd put this down as Archery. I would also suggest you combine this skill with the tracking skill and put it down as Hunting, although if you decide to do this, the skill may have to be adjusted accordingly.

Fast running speed: Agility perhaps? But as this is a similar case with the strength skill, I'd suggest you remove it as well.

Combat: I'll have to ask you to define what you mean by combat. Since your character already has swordplay, does this mean hand-to-hand combat? Please clarify.

Swordplay: This I'll ask you to either remove, or back up in the backstory. Since there is no mention of Ardon learning to wield a sword in the story, you will have to add mention of it in the story, or remove the skill.

Knows how to survive in the wilderness: This will need more elaboration. What do you mean by he knows how to survive? Remember putting this down as a skill means that he's skilled enough in this aspect that it needs specifically to be listed down as a skill.

Knows how to track animals: As I said earlier, I would suggest melding this with archery and make it into one skill.

Patience: Patience is a virtue, not exactly a skill. Please remove.

Hunting: In case you decide to make tracking and archery into hunting, here are a few things you might want to consider. If you decide to make the two skills into hunting, his archery skill can't be so high as you have listed it, but Ardon can have some other know hows of hunting such as making traps. We can go into this in further detail in the next round if you choose to do so.

-=oOo=-

That's it for round three. I suggest you read properly the lore and the skill guide, thoroughly, if I may add, and edit afterwards.

I also suggest that you read some of the accepted applications as a guide to how you can get yours accepted as well.

I'll give you some links:

Lore: http://www.mesalia.net/lore.html

Skill Guide: http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread....40#pid2840

Some accepted applications:

TinyTim77: http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread.php?tid=612

queenofreligion: http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread.php?tid=601

[warrior8402]

Bump:
-changed part of backstory
-Removed unnecessary things in capabilities section

sorry for the long time it took to change the thing, I was busy with other things and I wasn't at home for some time.

[Hutchy]

Hello, Warrior. I'm Hutchy and I'll be temporarily taking over for Young in helping you through whitelisting.

• ‘When born a doctor who would visit the family and say that the child was to not go out in the sun.’ There’s two problems here. It isn’t clear whether this is about Ardon or his sister. Additionally, while I’m no expert, I can think of no reason why a child would need to be kept indoors for seven years. It would also help if you explain why at 10 he is finally able to leave the house. Please elaborate.[/i]

• ‘Both were kept in the house and they did nothing but read the books their parents bought them.’ 7 years pass in this time, a lot can happen in that time. Were there no other events in that time? All they did was read? Please elaborate.

• ‘When he turned 22‘ How did it take 4 years for him to afford passage on a ship, also, why did they pack to leave, but then leave four years later? Good hunters would generally be well paid, and passage on a ship wouldn’t be hugely expensive, unless this is different in his area. Additionally, what was he doing over these four years to raise the money? Please elaborate.

That's all for now. Bump this thread when you have finished the necessary edits and we can continue.

P.S, when you make your edits, could you please highlight them in another colour. Thanks.

[warrior8402]

Bump:

I hope I was able to minimize the ammount of confusion after editing my backstory.
Hopefully this will be the last edit

[LuckyLeaf]

Hello warrior! I'm back to review your app.

-=oOo=-

First of all, good job! I see you're making improvements, and have applied the points that we gave. There's a bit of meat in the story, and I also see that you gave lore relations as well.

Now, there is this one thing that I'm still confused over in your story.

Allergic to sunlight: While I understand that the two children weren't allowed to be under direct sunlight, what we'd like to know is why they weren't to be outside in the sun. Did they have some problems with their skin? Maybe some congenital disease?

Another thing related to this point is what actually happens when they are actually exposed to the sun? Because I somewhat doubt that the two children had never in their roughly 20 years of life been exposed to direct sunlight. What happens when the sun hits them? And how have they felt about being confined to the shadows their entire lives?

-=oOo=-

I think that's it for now, and the next point should be about the last fix, if nothing else comes up.

Good luck and bump the thread when you're done.9