[ThatRandomGingerGuy]

[ThatRandomGingerGuy]

[ThatRandomGingerGuy]

[SentaiPink]

Hi my name is Pinkie! I'm going to be reviewing your app today! You have a start here but there is a lot that needs work.

1. Depth
   The whole entry lacks any sort of insight into WHO this character is, I would recommend revising or rewriting the entirety of the story to include some sort of understanding of who Devlin is as a person, how these events effect his development or him on a personal level.
   
   
   
2. Grammatical and Spelling
   Try to proof read a bit more thoroughly. You have very long run on sentences and some extra punctuation.
   
   
   
3. Timeline and Lore Relation
   • You also lack relation to the lore in the application, you mention one of the wars but its incorrect for the time line, but nothing about the ongoing one. Please revise.
     
     
   • You skip over large sections of his history and don't elaborate much on the things that have happened to him, you explain this horrific injury that could of killed him, but say NOTHING on why it happened, what the result was, how his parents reacted. Please revise.
     
     
   • You mention Devlin setting out to find his mother then suddenly he takes a trip to the Forbidden lands? Why? Where did this choice come from? The Whole back story needs more elaboration as to what has got Devlin to the point where he was ready to head to a whole new continent known for its dangers.
     
     
   • What is a mina? There is no such currency in our setting. Actually we don't have any set currency other then the ambiguous gold/gold coins.
     
     
   • Following the beacon trail must include mention of traveling for at least a year.[/list:u]
     
     
     
   • Skills
     If you could rank the skills as the following:
     Novice > Apprentice > Competent > Advanced > Expert > Master
     It would make it easier for me to gauge what you mean as far as ability in each skill.
     
     • You don't explain where or how he learned most of his skills, your back story needs to explain where these came from. Please revise.
       
       
     • He has too a wide selection of skills for a young man, Smithing is extremely hard and complex, He would not have been able to concentrate on learning that from his father while simultaneously doing other things.
       
       
     • Self taught swordsmanship would be novice, its hard to get anywhere with something as complicated at fighting without some sort of tutor.[/list:u]
       
       
       
     • Personality
       

       Devlin has been described as a quirky person, mainly due to being slightly emotionally unstable since his fathers death. Overall he is a happy-ish person, willing to help people out and has an impeccable sense of what is right or wrong (in his eyes).

       You state he's unstable but don't elaborate into this at all, neither in the back story or in this blurb. Peoples parents die all the time, so why has this left him mentally unwell? As a point of quality here on Mesalia we do ask that mental disorders are researched. Its one thing for him to carry a burden from whats happened, but keep in mind we try to be very careful with mental illness to avoid offensive depictions of those with aforementioned conditions.
     
     That's all I've got for now. Until these are worked out I wont be able to give much more insight. We're going to need to know more before accepting this character. Thank you for your patience with us.

[Michelle]

Trashed due to 'three days' rule. Please feel free to re-apply.