[idrissrocks]

[SentaiPink]

Hi my name is Pinkie! Welcome to Mesalia! I'll be helping you with your application. We have a lot to do so lets get cracking.

1.
Your application is lacking details.
You have nothing about him growing up, how he survived without his parents, who they were, how they died or why. There’s more things left unanswered here then explained. Where was he when they died? Who wrote this mysterious letter that it seems contained information he might of already known? Who this Xitian he fought? How did he suddenly become a doctor? Why? You need to elaborate on everything, starting with his parents, what happened to them, what happened to him because of this, more details on what happened with this letter, how our lore affected his life, the Xitian and becoming a doctor in the middle ages.

There is so much needing elaborated on you may need to rewrite the application rather than trying to revise what’s there.

For examples of the sorts of backstories we require you can see the backstories for a lot of characters in our Character Sheet section:
http://www.mesalia.net/forum/forumdisplay.php?fid=29

Or our Approved Characters section:
http://www.mesalia.net/forum/forumdisplay.php?fid=7

If you wish to play a doctor you'll need to do extensive research on just how that is done in the middle ages. Additionally, how that works in relation to our lore, we have a guide here for some medicinal herbs.
http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread.php?tid=31

2.
Your application needs proofreading.
You have typos and misspellings that should be easily caught and revised.

3.
You are lacking lore relation.
You don't mention any of the major lore events nor does your application include how these events affected your character's life. The struggles of the mainlands are widespread and living devoid of their effects isn't likely.
http://www.mesalia.net/lore.html

4.
You haven't any mention or explanation of just WHO this person is.
We have a list of things he's done but nothing as far of what motivates him. What he feels and why he does certain things are left unexplained and here we need to understand more about who this person is before accepting the character. You need to include much more on your characters personality in your revisions. It maybe helpful to both incorporate his feelings and motivations into the story and include a personality section for us.

5.
The backstory, skills, and items all lack explanation.

My character is called Jonathan Keltsburg

It maybe easier to write the character’s biography as a story given the amount of detail we need for who this person is.

He is a 19 year old orphaned Vagrant boy. Both of his parents got killed by Xitians. Jonathan later got a letter explaining what a terrible death that had come upon his parents.

Orphans are very very common in our setting (and for characters), especially in war-torn lands. You need to explain more about what happened to his parents, how he survived without them and what was in this letter. Also, while vagrant is a term used out of character for the Mesalians, please keep in mind it is not an IC term.

Seeking revenge he finnally found a lone Xitian. Jonathan tried to sneak up behind him to stab him in the back.

You need to explain what possessed a 19-year-old to attack a random Xitian. Because right now it makes no sense. At 19 this character would be a fully rational adult, and there is simply no explanation as to why this happened. Please note, mental illness is not an appropriate explanation for actions such as this.

If you'd like more details on mentally ill characters and why we restrict them please see the following thread:
http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread....47#pid1047

BASH! The Xitian had seen him coming and threw a huge boulder in Jonathan's face.

The Onomatopoeia is not a good description for the conflict. Moving earth takes considerable concentration to do, these are abilities, not magical powers. Please revise with the following in mind:
http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread.php?tid=270

He is now waiting to hear word of a Xitian. Not any Xitian, and more importantly, not to kill him. He wants to find the Xitian that spared his life.

Your character's backstory must end with their arrival in the forbidden lands which is where our story takes place. For details on that:
http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread.php?tid=143

My character's skills: My character is slightly skilled in sneaking, highly skilled in medication and barely skilled in weaponry.

• There isn't any explanation in the backstory as where, why or how he learned how to fight or sneak.
  
• As stated before, the characters backstory doesn't sufficiently explain his medical training
  
• Please include summaries as to what these skills entail
  
• Being a doctor in even the middle ages was not an easy task and takes years of study. At 19 its unlikely he'd be a doctor or at least a any good at it.
  
• Please see this guide to help scale this individuals abilities we commonly use is (Basic, Novice, Competent, Advanced, Expert, Master)
  http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread.php?tid=271

Stuff my character has with him: Some healing potions, a stone sword and a bobby pin.

• There are no healing potions in our setting. Potion making and alchemy aren't a part of our lore.
  
• Swords made out of stone are unrealistic. Minecraft items and the way they’re created don’t usually equate the same thing. We go for realism, in regards to how things were actually done in the middle ages as opposed to justifying how the Minecraft items work.
  
• There is no explanation in the backstory as to where he got this sword or why he’s bringing it.
  
• There is no explanation in the backstory as to where he got this bobby pin, what it means, or why he’s bringing it.

Alright so that is everything I see at the moment. I know it seems like a lot but most of this can be cleared up after the first point is done. Take your time with the revisions, and try to make sure you address everything. Good luck!

[SentaiPink]

Trashing due to 3-day rule. Feel free to reapply!