12-12-2013, 12:35 AM
(This post was last modified: 16-02-2014, 06:14 PM by MelancholyFae.)
Work in Progress. I'm not sure if I want to do this in text-based, or if I want to use the visual coolness of script-handwriting via programs for this journal; for now while I figure out the visual, it will be texted.
This is Sidian's journal, though she doesn't ever put her name in it. ICly this journal will be in her office or in her bedroom, so it's not likely anyone will find it; but I wanted to share this anyway.
(The writing is in Xitian; with swirled letters and fluid strokes for much of the page. Some of the letters or words have more fanciful strokes as if to show more importance to those. There are no dates to determine when the entries were written, but each new entry starts on a new page. Sometimes words are crossed out, and sometimes there are heavy dots on the page as if the pen sat there for a few moments on the page with its ink bleeding into the paper.)
~
It has been many days since I had been released from Arua's House, and I feel compelled to write.
I used to write often, to my brother back in his town, letting him know what has been going on. The letters I had stopped sending when I was unable to receive his, or send back my own. His latest response is rather worried and angry. I had to write a short reply so that he did not send reinforcements anyone along this way. I hope this reply eased him somewhat.
~
I am cold. I have been, I realize, since I was in the small room in the dungeon, but I had been able to ignore it up until now. Perhaps because up until now, I have felt more in a haze of immovability. It is clearing now, and I feel chilled to the bone.
~
Would the cold be a cause of diet? I do not think Xitians were meant to dine without meat, but I am still unable to even stomach the smell. Lyrxi is thoughtful; he brings what he can and is varied in his dishes. I may try to eat fish soon, as the smell is not as upsetting as pork or beef.
Perhaps sitting at the fire at the inn will drive away this cold feeling, though I dread talking to anyone. I shall get my fur coat, as well.
~
I did not need to worry much. Sitting at the fire when most others are away or asleep. Remembering things is unnerving, however. I remember that I had given up on talking to Zark. The hope died out when she had arrived at Arua's House, but it was for guard duty, and not for a friendly visit. Why that particular memory decided to surface whiel I was staring at the fire, I do not know...
I no longer remember what I would have told her, even if she had come to visit.
~
I woke up angry. It took me until today, to remember that I have been neglecting my daily rituals...
No. I suppose not. I knew, but had no desire to do them, and so I pushed the idea away.
This writing is giving me insight to things I would rather not realize. I may stop writing. I do not like this.
~
(The writing changes slightly; less slanted, and the curves are tighter in the swirled letters.)
~
The fire at the inn is not warm enough. The commotion had died down at the citadel; so I went back there to my old room...
I had forgotten that I had asked Lyrxi to place my items there for me, for safe keeping. Everything else was a mess; as the guards had been searching for things. It took a while, but I straightened everything back to normal, and set my weapons on the rack near the bed once more. The axe... for now I have set it on the desk.
It hurts to see it there.
I have put the ornaments in my small bag for now. I am thinking to get them strung, so I do not lose any.
~
It is not just the lack of desire to do my daily rituals. I see now, something else happened, at some point in time, and I have lost my restless energy. It is as if it drained away, or ... was taken from me. If I think back, I notice that in the dungeon. I thought I would be restless and battering away at the door, but I never did that, did I?
~
My brother is asking me again, how things are going. I dread telling him anything of importance. My mind refuses to work; I do not know how to explain to him.. anything. Perhaps I should send the others back, and dissolve this entire group. Maybe I can come up with a good enough reason to send him as to why.
~
I keep hearing voices in the dungeon. I know the guards want to keep using it for things, but it unnerves me. Voices, and singing. I dislike going anywhere near the entrance downwards. Perhaps I can ask one of them if there is a way to keep it more quiet. Maybe if they stop leaving the doors open? I wish I had my keys.
~
Commotion, again. Perhaps it never really dies down, but just moves to other locations, and I had not been around lately to notice. This time it was at the inn, as I had gone to get some tea, and see if that helped me any.
Zark was there, and she appeared to be preparing for a fight. Lyrxi and her had been talking, but became quiet as I approached – I did not need to know what was going on. After the tea and a bit of small talking, I went to leave. It felt awkward to be there, especially with Zark not speaking to me.
The tea had not helped.
~
Lyrxi has done still meditation before. Perhaps I can ask him advice on such, as I still feel no energy to do my normal routines, even back here at the citadel. He had offered me to his home for tea and talk at some point, but I feel awkward unwanted like an outsider this would not be a good idea.
~
~
Caius has finally shown his manipulative -male- side this evening. For some reason, he decided that I could be a target for his smooth words. How -dare- he turn such serious matters that strike at my heart, into quips and shallow, romantic innuendos? No, not even romantic!
I can barely even recall his replies without being queasy. I need to avoid him for now.
~
I had finally told Silver and Lady Cassandra to leave Ravenna, as they were no longer needed here, and it was just not safe for our group, nor any Xitian. Silver had already been making those preparations, apparently as her response was quick and concise. "Already on it."
Lady Cassandra on the other hand, for reasons unknown to me, had decided to stay. In fact, she even came back up to the citadel with me.
I have to admit, it is a bit more comforting with another person here, especially as Lady Cassandra is a good friend.
~
Elizabeth, of course, has taken it upon herself to help me now. I am unsure if this is because to keep herself busy, or if she wants me as a friend...
~
Amelia and her original group have vanished.. or died. Elizabeth had come to visit me, and seems she thought herself one of Amelia's good friends. She is rather upset, as to be expected, at Amelia's death.
I shall miss her as well, to be truthful. She had saved my life, even if it was most likely under false pretenses, and to gain an edge. I wish there had been more chances of talk, or even conflicts, between us. She had made a good opponent. Lively. Playing an intellectual game without tokens or dice or board.
~
(This entry is a bit straight and small in handwriting in comparison to previous and later entries. It's also less sentence-structure and just random-seeming thoughts and phrases.)
~
Strength of Body was crushed
Strength of Mind ? Falters, hides, withdraws
Strength of Soul has bled out continuously
Power has been drained
Glory has fled, unable to continue, suffocating
Victory has faded, never attained
Honour – the only thing left?
What good is honour without anything else?
~
I am unsure who to apologize to, as this is my journal, but I have been not keeping up with writing in it. I am not re-reading my entries, nor am I letting anyone else read this. I am still not quite sure why I am even writing in it, except for perhaps habit.
Zarkaylia and I had a long talk. It was desperately needed for both of us, it seems. I gave her one of the rings Duras had owned, and she had given me a bit of peace with her words. Unconsciously, I had always felt guilty about Duras' death. I had failed him utterly, as a person, as a religious leader, as his commander. I even failed him as the one he loved. But her words were soft, and even as my heart bled while we talked, it did feel better afterwards.
~
There was good news today. A young man came with a delivery – a few crates for our group – even if the only ones left are Lady Cassandra and I – and a letter. The Dusk Gate has reopened. A celebration! A beautiful ceramic jug, mugs to match, and a crate of wine, with ingredients to make the celebratory mulled wine. I had not had such in ages.
~
It was good to celebrate, for once. The wine was wonderful, and I tried my best to not let anyone bring the happy mood down. Of course there were people there, who preferred to dismiss the goodness of the Gate being opened and only look at their pessimistic and racist views of why it was a bad thing. I would have been much happier denying them any wine if they were only going to piss on the celebration, but they did not voice such rude concerns until after they had taken some.
The rest of the night was fine. Elizabeth, and I took more wine, and even invited the new Mercedes to join us. She was rather serious about everything, and did not drink, but the evening was still fun.
Daulton had been writing something down as I was talking, back at the tavern. It appeared he was listening to what I was saying, and perhaps remarking about them. It worried me, and I made mental note to see if I could discover what exactly he wrote. I shall do something about it first thing in the morrow.
~
Lady Cassandra and the young man got along well together it seems, and she decided to go back with him, as it was her opportunity to finally go home.
I realized a bit belatedly, that this.. was what I had wanted for years... almost ten years. But now, I do not wish to go back to the Dusk Realm. I cannot. It is no longer home. I am no longer a worthy Xitian.
Instead, this realization made me decide to write a few letters, and pack up the things most valuable to me, and send them to the proper people. My staff and bladed rings to my brother, as they should stay within the family. It will take quite a few days, but this needs done, to put these things in order.
~
Elizabeth and now Mercedes has moved in with me. It seems I am not allowed to be alone.
This could be a good thing, or it could be just delaying the inevitable, especially with me trying to leave without alerting anyone.
When the time is right. I will go.
~
So many things.
The noises continue in the dungeon. I dare not go down there, especially alone, but helping Mercedes at times was necessary. She is planning on blocking up the entrance to the sewers, as they were found to connect to every other building in the upper city. She is also planning on fixing the cells, and the rest of the citadel, as it is in a bit poorer shape than she is comfortable with. She is a hard worker, though, and this is something she likes to do.
For the winter, she is even blocking up the one tower stairwell, and is thinking about making a better fireplace than just a bonfire in the one room.
~
(this is the last entry, and it is a bit more hurried looking, and chaotic in its handwriting, than the normal, perhaps even shaky in some parts.)
~
Lately, things have been in a bit of a blur, but I wish to put this down, to see if this makes sense to me later.
William had stopped by; interrogating me about the device, first. Then attempting to gain my help in return for allowing citizenship for Lady Cassandra and I, and clearing any 'criminal' records or accusations; something I was not aware was actually true. I -was- considered a criminal. What Daulton had said, back during his taunts and insults, was not solely his own words. He had been told by Zarkaylia this. Her admittance later about this, just made another deep gash in my wounded soul.
Then the need to talk to Margretha about citizenship, but the woman denied needing to talk to me; and instead turned the conversation back to the device, and again with the criminal stance. Then I was accused of other things, along with her dismissing my fears of being attacked or stalked, and I just gave up. I was not believed, I was not listened to. I was not allowed to live in the citadel, I was not allowed to have it be repaired. I was not allowed to be a citizen. I was only a criminal in her eyes, and one to not be trusted.
Mercedes and Elizabeth decided that since -they- were citizens, and they now lived in the citadel, that it would circumvent the 'disallowance of repairs', and letting me stay there with them circumvented the need for me to be a citizen, I suppose? I no longer cared.
William or Zarkaylia trying to talk to me later just made things worse. I tried to stay polite, but I no longer wanted to. Why should I, when I was not believed? I was a criminal. I expected one of them to arrive and just take me to the gallows. There was no need for trial. Not when I had no one to defend for me. Not when my words would not be listened to.
Even when Orvich came to talk to me, I was on edge. Constantly, with these people. On edge, expecting someone to just subdue me and take me away. Almost constant worry. The only good thing was that Daulton was not allowed to see me alone. William had made sure of that, if no one else did. He had believed me, at least a bit. I do not think he realizes how important that bit of belief was, from him. If it had not been for him, for Lyrxi, for Mercedes and Elizabeth...
My resolve was completely gone by the time the four guards came up, to speak to me. Daulton had accusations that they needed to see through, and I had to give explanations.
First, the letter that Daulton had written, that I had gotten from the sailors. I gave Zarkaylia the letter, and even while Daulton was scolded harshly for his judgement that would have gotten innocent Xitians and even non-Xitians alike killed - such as Lady Cassandra, and Zarkaylia – -I- was going to be the one punished, for stealing.
Second, the rumors and allegations that was spreading about Daulton stalking, insulting, and intimidating me. As I had no proof, and as apparently these things were being spread around town unfairly – even when I had -only- told those who had asked me why I was fearful, even when I had -told- those same people that I did not want trouble – this was again my fault, and I was to cease. I had tried to supply examples, but they were not good enough. My heart was no longer in explaining myself, anyway.
More talking, but the rest started to blur, and I had asked them to leave. I could not bear another moment, as all I was now hearing was how innocent Daulton was, how people were siding with him, how I was wrong; I was a criminal. To me, the words they were really saying were -I had no Honour-. The more the balance tilted toward Daulton the more pleased he was, and my temper finally lost.
Somehow, as he left, something must have been said that made him angry, and his last look to me was pure menace.
That look told me it was time. Even if it was already a month into winter, it was time to go.
My letters are written, my possessions given homes. I shall have Mercedes and Elizabeth deliver the two letters tomorrow morning, and slip away then.
~
This is Sidian's journal, though she doesn't ever put her name in it. ICly this journal will be in her office or in her bedroom, so it's not likely anyone will find it; but I wanted to share this anyway.
(The writing is in Xitian; with swirled letters and fluid strokes for much of the page. Some of the letters or words have more fanciful strokes as if to show more importance to those. There are no dates to determine when the entries were written, but each new entry starts on a new page. Sometimes words are crossed out, and sometimes there are heavy dots on the page as if the pen sat there for a few moments on the page with its ink bleeding into the paper.)
~
It has been many days since I had been released from Arua's House, and I feel compelled to write.
I used to write often, to my brother back in his town, letting him know what has been going on. The letters I had stopped sending when I was unable to receive his, or send back my own. His latest response is rather worried and angry. I had to write a short reply so that he did not send reinforcements anyone along this way. I hope this reply eased him somewhat.
~
I am cold. I have been, I realize, since I was in the small room in the dungeon, but I had been able to ignore it up until now. Perhaps because up until now, I have felt more in a haze of immovability. It is clearing now, and I feel chilled to the bone.
~
Would the cold be a cause of diet? I do not think Xitians were meant to dine without meat, but I am still unable to even stomach the smell. Lyrxi is thoughtful; he brings what he can and is varied in his dishes. I may try to eat fish soon, as the smell is not as upsetting as pork or beef.
Perhaps sitting at the fire at the inn will drive away this cold feeling, though I dread talking to anyone. I shall get my fur coat, as well.
~
I did not need to worry much. Sitting at the fire when most others are away or asleep. Remembering things is unnerving, however. I remember that I had given up on talking to Zark. The hope died out when she had arrived at Arua's House, but it was for guard duty, and not for a friendly visit. Why that particular memory decided to surface whiel I was staring at the fire, I do not know...
I no longer remember what I would have told her, even if she had come to visit.
~
I woke up angry. It took me until today, to remember that I have been neglecting my daily rituals...
No. I suppose not. I knew, but had no desire to do them, and so I pushed the idea away.
This writing is giving me insight to things I would rather not realize. I may stop writing. I do not like this.
~
(The writing changes slightly; less slanted, and the curves are tighter in the swirled letters.)
~
The fire at the inn is not warm enough. The commotion had died down at the citadel; so I went back there to my old room...
I had forgotten that I had asked Lyrxi to place my items there for me, for safe keeping. Everything else was a mess; as the guards had been searching for things. It took a while, but I straightened everything back to normal, and set my weapons on the rack near the bed once more. The axe... for now I have set it on the desk.
It hurts to see it there.
I have put the ornaments in my small bag for now. I am thinking to get them strung, so I do not lose any.
~
It is not just the lack of desire to do my daily rituals. I see now, something else happened, at some point in time, and I have lost my restless energy. It is as if it drained away, or ... was taken from me. If I think back, I notice that in the dungeon. I thought I would be restless and battering away at the door, but I never did that, did I?
~
My brother is asking me again, how things are going. I dread telling him anything of importance. My mind refuses to work; I do not know how to explain to him.. anything. Perhaps I should send the others back, and dissolve this entire group. Maybe I can come up with a good enough reason to send him as to why.
~
I keep hearing voices in the dungeon. I know the guards want to keep using it for things, but it unnerves me. Voices, and singing. I dislike going anywhere near the entrance downwards. Perhaps I can ask one of them if there is a way to keep it more quiet. Maybe if they stop leaving the doors open? I wish I had my keys.
~
Commotion, again. Perhaps it never really dies down, but just moves to other locations, and I had not been around lately to notice. This time it was at the inn, as I had gone to get some tea, and see if that helped me any.
Zark was there, and she appeared to be preparing for a fight. Lyrxi and her had been talking, but became quiet as I approached – I did not need to know what was going on. After the tea and a bit of small talking, I went to leave. It felt awkward to be there, especially with Zark not speaking to me.
The tea had not helped.
~
Lyrxi has done still meditation before. Perhaps I can ask him advice on such, as I still feel no energy to do my normal routines, even back here at the citadel. He had offered me to his home for tea and talk at some point, but I feel awkward unwanted like an outsider this would not be a good idea.
~
~
Caius has finally shown his manipulative -male- side this evening. For some reason, he decided that I could be a target for his smooth words. How -dare- he turn such serious matters that strike at my heart, into quips and shallow, romantic innuendos? No, not even romantic!
I can barely even recall his replies without being queasy. I need to avoid him for now.
~
I had finally told Silver and Lady Cassandra to leave Ravenna, as they were no longer needed here, and it was just not safe for our group, nor any Xitian. Silver had already been making those preparations, apparently as her response was quick and concise. "Already on it."
Lady Cassandra on the other hand, for reasons unknown to me, had decided to stay. In fact, she even came back up to the citadel with me.
I have to admit, it is a bit more comforting with another person here, especially as Lady Cassandra is a good friend.
~
Elizabeth, of course, has taken it upon herself to help me now. I am unsure if this is because to keep herself busy, or if she wants me as a friend...
~
Amelia and her original group have vanished.. or died. Elizabeth had come to visit me, and seems she thought herself one of Amelia's good friends. She is rather upset, as to be expected, at Amelia's death.
I shall miss her as well, to be truthful. She had saved my life, even if it was most likely under false pretenses, and to gain an edge. I wish there had been more chances of talk, or even conflicts, between us. She had made a good opponent. Lively. Playing an intellectual game without tokens or dice or board.
~
(This entry is a bit straight and small in handwriting in comparison to previous and later entries. It's also less sentence-structure and just random-seeming thoughts and phrases.)
~
Strength of Body was crushed
Strength of Mind ? Falters, hides, withdraws
Strength of Soul has bled out continuously
Power has been drained
Glory has fled, unable to continue, suffocating
Victory has faded, never attained
Honour – the only thing left?
What good is honour without anything else?
~
I am unsure who to apologize to, as this is my journal, but I have been not keeping up with writing in it. I am not re-reading my entries, nor am I letting anyone else read this. I am still not quite sure why I am even writing in it, except for perhaps habit.
Zarkaylia and I had a long talk. It was desperately needed for both of us, it seems. I gave her one of the rings Duras had owned, and she had given me a bit of peace with her words. Unconsciously, I had always felt guilty about Duras' death. I had failed him utterly, as a person, as a religious leader, as his commander. I even failed him as the one he loved. But her words were soft, and even as my heart bled while we talked, it did feel better afterwards.
~
There was good news today. A young man came with a delivery – a few crates for our group – even if the only ones left are Lady Cassandra and I – and a letter. The Dusk Gate has reopened. A celebration! A beautiful ceramic jug, mugs to match, and a crate of wine, with ingredients to make the celebratory mulled wine. I had not had such in ages.
~
It was good to celebrate, for once. The wine was wonderful, and I tried my best to not let anyone bring the happy mood down. Of course there were people there, who preferred to dismiss the goodness of the Gate being opened and only look at their pessimistic and racist views of why it was a bad thing. I would have been much happier denying them any wine if they were only going to piss on the celebration, but they did not voice such rude concerns until after they had taken some.
The rest of the night was fine. Elizabeth, and I took more wine, and even invited the new Mercedes to join us. She was rather serious about everything, and did not drink, but the evening was still fun.
Daulton had been writing something down as I was talking, back at the tavern. It appeared he was listening to what I was saying, and perhaps remarking about them. It worried me, and I made mental note to see if I could discover what exactly he wrote. I shall do something about it first thing in the morrow.
~
Lady Cassandra and the young man got along well together it seems, and she decided to go back with him, as it was her opportunity to finally go home.
I realized a bit belatedly, that this.. was what I had wanted for years... almost ten years. But now, I do not wish to go back to the Dusk Realm. I cannot. It is no longer home. I am no longer a worthy Xitian.
Instead, this realization made me decide to write a few letters, and pack up the things most valuable to me, and send them to the proper people. My staff and bladed rings to my brother, as they should stay within the family. It will take quite a few days, but this needs done, to put these things in order.
~
Elizabeth and now Mercedes has moved in with me. It seems I am not allowed to be alone.
This could be a good thing, or it could be just delaying the inevitable, especially with me trying to leave without alerting anyone.
When the time is right. I will go.
~
So many things.
The noises continue in the dungeon. I dare not go down there, especially alone, but helping Mercedes at times was necessary. She is planning on blocking up the entrance to the sewers, as they were found to connect to every other building in the upper city. She is also planning on fixing the cells, and the rest of the citadel, as it is in a bit poorer shape than she is comfortable with. She is a hard worker, though, and this is something she likes to do.
For the winter, she is even blocking up the one tower stairwell, and is thinking about making a better fireplace than just a bonfire in the one room.
~
(this is the last entry, and it is a bit more hurried looking, and chaotic in its handwriting, than the normal, perhaps even shaky in some parts.)
~
Lately, things have been in a bit of a blur, but I wish to put this down, to see if this makes sense to me later.
William had stopped by; interrogating me about the device, first. Then attempting to gain my help in return for allowing citizenship for Lady Cassandra and I, and clearing any 'criminal' records or accusations; something I was not aware was actually true. I -was- considered a criminal. What Daulton had said, back during his taunts and insults, was not solely his own words. He had been told by Zarkaylia this. Her admittance later about this, just made another deep gash in my wounded soul.
Then the need to talk to Margretha about citizenship, but the woman denied needing to talk to me; and instead turned the conversation back to the device, and again with the criminal stance. Then I was accused of other things, along with her dismissing my fears of being attacked or stalked, and I just gave up. I was not believed, I was not listened to. I was not allowed to live in the citadel, I was not allowed to have it be repaired. I was not allowed to be a citizen. I was only a criminal in her eyes, and one to not be trusted.
Mercedes and Elizabeth decided that since -they- were citizens, and they now lived in the citadel, that it would circumvent the 'disallowance of repairs', and letting me stay there with them circumvented the need for me to be a citizen, I suppose? I no longer cared.
William or Zarkaylia trying to talk to me later just made things worse. I tried to stay polite, but I no longer wanted to. Why should I, when I was not believed? I was a criminal. I expected one of them to arrive and just take me to the gallows. There was no need for trial. Not when I had no one to defend for me. Not when my words would not be listened to.
Even when Orvich came to talk to me, I was on edge. Constantly, with these people. On edge, expecting someone to just subdue me and take me away. Almost constant worry. The only good thing was that Daulton was not allowed to see me alone. William had made sure of that, if no one else did. He had believed me, at least a bit. I do not think he realizes how important that bit of belief was, from him. If it had not been for him, for Lyrxi, for Mercedes and Elizabeth...
My resolve was completely gone by the time the four guards came up, to speak to me. Daulton had accusations that they needed to see through, and I had to give explanations.
First, the letter that Daulton had written, that I had gotten from the sailors. I gave Zarkaylia the letter, and even while Daulton was scolded harshly for his judgement that would have gotten innocent Xitians and even non-Xitians alike killed - such as Lady Cassandra, and Zarkaylia – -I- was going to be the one punished, for stealing.
Second, the rumors and allegations that was spreading about Daulton stalking, insulting, and intimidating me. As I had no proof, and as apparently these things were being spread around town unfairly – even when I had -only- told those who had asked me why I was fearful, even when I had -told- those same people that I did not want trouble – this was again my fault, and I was to cease. I had tried to supply examples, but they were not good enough. My heart was no longer in explaining myself, anyway.
More talking, but the rest started to blur, and I had asked them to leave. I could not bear another moment, as all I was now hearing was how innocent Daulton was, how people were siding with him, how I was wrong; I was a criminal. To me, the words they were really saying were -I had no Honour-. The more the balance tilted toward Daulton the more pleased he was, and my temper finally lost.
Somehow, as he left, something must have been said that made him angry, and his last look to me was pure menace.
That look told me it was time. Even if it was already a month into winter, it was time to go.
My letters are written, my possessions given homes. I shall have Mercedes and Elizabeth deliver the two letters tomorrow morning, and slip away then.
~
![[Image: DuskenJeweler_banner.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v185/elusivebutterfly/Games/Minecraft/Mesalia%20Images/DuskenJeweler_banner.jpg)