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[Trashed] The_Crafter2 application form
#1
my in game name is The_Crafter2

I want to join Mesalia because for a while now I have been looking for decent role playing servers but I couldn't find one until I stumbled upon mesalia and I love the idea of this server

I've not had any good role playing servers on minecraft but I did use to play dungeons and dragons for a while

I am nearly 14 years old from Britain

My characters name will be bolrath thunguru
my occupation is a craftsman
31 years old when I stepped into the forbidden land
appearance tanned skin, black hair with grey ash in it, piercing blue eyes, a brown short sleeve shirt with a black apron and a belt and black trouser with grey boots. he also wears a emerald amulet
height 6'6'' meters weight 14 stone

it was 16 years after veld. greker thunguru, a large man with a damaged eye thanks to the war, was working at the furnace of a small village ravaged by the civil war, when a beautiful woman came to Greker seeking an amulet to wear for good looks. Greker said that he was sorry but he couldn't make an amulet that can improve upon perfection. The woman laughed. she was charmed by Greker's compliment soon the woman and Greker began to court. It wasn't long until they married and a son was soon born. they named him bolrath. bolrath grew up strong. They loved him but were worried that bolrath was content to sit at the forge side and watch his father work, and none of the children asked if he wanted to play.

Around the age of 5 bolrath started to ask his father what he was doing, not as in what job he was doing but how he was doing it, greker smiled and explained simply and by the age of 10 he had asked his father to teach him the ways of a blacksmith. his father smiled and in the space of eight months with a lot of help from his father bolrath had learned how to create an amulet. Bolrath smiled and vowed to his father to never take it off.

Again bolrath took to watching his father work, seeming to study the fire and metal intensely. children soon forgot about the little strange child at the forge and bolrath was happy for that to happen. A few years later on Bolrath's 13 birthday his father decided it was time to teach bolrath how to make weapons.

This excited bolrath who asked to begin immediately. It took nearly two months to figure out the way to heat and cool the metal so it would not bend or break. bolraths father spent many weeks teaching this to bolrath. during this time bolraths days were filled with watching his father work, and then trying to do it himself.

Next was the shaping of the sword, which was when the sword maker would tap then hit harder the edge of the metal with a hammer. this lead to many bruised fingers thumbs and lots of attempts of not to cry.
It took nearly a year but bolrath had crafted a sword which his father engraved 'thunguru finest' onto. Bolrath had never been happier. but all this blacksmithing has made bolrath very secluded and unsure what to do surrounded by children he didn't know, the other children were also unsure who this new child was which was reason enough for them to be cautious of him.

All except his best friend, his only friend maximus. the two contrasted so much. for example maximus spoke to and was friend with everyone, whereas bolrath was very timid and quiet and was generally unsociable. bolraths later years of childhood were usually spent either sitting quietly in a corner of the dried mud hut that functioned as a sort of school. This was until the day came when the teacher started talking about the slavery of the Mesalia people at the age of 15 bolrath had found out that his father had once been a slave for the xititans, forced to make torture tools for his oppressive overseers.

The teacher was talking about how any one who made tools for the xititans were like traitors. bolrath was seething with a rage he had never felt before. He stood up and flipped his desk with such force it caused the other teens and the teacher to jump. He called the teacher a liar and in his fit of rage he picked up his chair and threw it at the wall closest to him, creating a big hole.

Bolrath ran past the other teens and the teacher and out of the door. The teens sat in shocked silence.no one has seen this happen before. bolrath didn't attend the school again out of embarrassment. instead of going to the learning hut bolrath stayed with his father and learned more about blacksmithing then anyone in the village except his own father.

Bolrath also learnt basic farming from his mothers stories of before she met bolraths father. the village had more to worry about than an angry teen. there had been talk of xititans, which made bolrath and his father busy as more and more people purchased weapons and armor from the shop. also a large surge of people in the village caused the village to build a wall and a guard post caused the village to become a town.

with bolrath at the age of 18 and the anger of his early teen years under control greker decided to stand down from the blacksmith and bolrath took over as the towns guard blacksmith, making arms and armors for the brave defenders. Maximus was still friend with bolrath taught him all the tricks of trading he had learnt when he became the towns head trader. bolrath was happy and even successful both in blacksmithing and with couple of ladies.

he had been in a few relationships including one woman called Isolde who bolrath was in a relationship with for nearly 5 months until a large request of weapons kept bolrath occupied so she broke up with him, and bolrath hasn't had a serious relationship since.

Apart from this everything was well with bolrath until at age 30 bolraths mother started to show signs of an unknown disease. His mother grew shriveled as a grape and pale as moonstone. maximus had just got a small crate of karma powder, a supposedly cure all powder. Bolrath begged his best friend but maximus was corrupted by money and would only part with a handful for 12 pound of iron. this would mean that not all the guard could have weapons until the next iron shipment in 4 months. But bolrath was desperate and gave the iron grudgingly to the addict to money.

Bolrath sprinted home to give the powder to his dying mother. sadly the powder was a fake and later that evening Bolraths mother passed away in her sleep. In the morning the town was awoken by the yells and cries of a single father and a motherless son. Bolrath was over taken by a rage so intense. he took the first weapon to hand, (thunguru's finest) and sped to maximus's house and slayed him in his sleep.

Bolrath and his father then walked through the town to there house, packed some food rations, some iron, the sword 'thunguru's finest', an small anvil and a book of forging. they had just left the city when they heard the cries of angry guard's searching for the murder.

It was only a few minuets to the boarding boat for the forbidden land. they were nearly there when a guard saw bolrath and Greker boarding the boat. He blindly fired an arrow. It struck Bolraths father in the shoulder. it would have been fine if it wasn't for the fact that it was barbed and it was pulled straight out by bolrath.

This caused a large gaping hole in Greker's shoulder. on the boat the wound went uncleaned and became infected. half way through the month voyage it became so infected that it had to be amputated. Greker died from shock. This caused Bolrath to stay entrapped in his own sadness. none of the other passengers could talk to him. He arrived in the forbidden land on his 31 birthday.

skills
bolrath was training to be a blacksmith since the age of 13 years old so he is a very skilled blacksmith
Bolraths strength adds to his unarmed attacks (he has more strength than a normal man due to his up bringing as blacksmith as a child)
Bolrath knows basic trading from his friend maximus, so bolrath knows if he is being cheated when buying or selling items
Bolrath also knows a little bit about farming from his mother


what bolrath bought with him
A book on forging
14 iron bars
An iron sword (thunguru's finest)
a small anvil used to sharpen bladed weapons

personality
bolrath is not the most talkative person due to years of solitude in the school hut and his timid nature, although usually calm when faced with a fight or something insulting his family bolrath will become a raging berserker.
ever since bolraths friend gave bolrath a fake cure for his mother he has become a very untrusting person, meaning he must know someone for nearly a year to begin to trust them.
At times bolrath can be suddenly hit with a huge wave of sadness due to the death of his parents in such a short space of time
#2
Moved to correct forum.

Hello, Crafter. I'm Hutchy and I'll be helping you through whitelisting.
  • Your backstory needs more relation to the setting's lore, which can be found here. There needs to be some relation to the lore to help us see how and why this character fits into the setting. What impact did the Civil War have on his home, hisfamily? Does his family bear a grudge because of the slavery? Please elaborate on this.
  • Your character’s backstory doesn't do a lot to explain personal growth over his life. The backstory needs to show more description of how his was as a child, how he was through adolescence and then into adulthood. It is necessary that we see how the character has changed over the years before arriving in the setting. Please work on this.
  • Additionally, the personality section could do with some fleshing out. This lets us know that you know the character. When you add further detail to the backstory, it can help you accomplish this. Additionally, you must include a personality section. This lets us know that you know the character. When you add further detail to the backstory, it can help you accomplish this.
  • Your character’s skills seem to be quite limited, and it’s current layout makes it difficult to understand the ‘level’ of hisskills. I recommend that you read this guide and evaluate the layout of this section.

That's all for now. Bump this thread when you have finished the necessary edits and we can continue.
#3
Thanks Hutchy
I have added more to the backstory both relating to the civil war and the reign of the xititans. I have also added a personality section with explanation of why bolrath is like that.
I have also separated the skills and why he knows the skills to make it easier to see the different skills

thanks for replying
#4
Alright, Crafter, next round.
  • ‘by the age of 10’ We’re missing a good decade of detail here. We need to know what happens in this decade of time. Please elaborate.
  • ‘in the space of two weeks bolrath had learned how to create an amulet’ While it isn’t impossible to be a quick learner, going from knowing nothing of smithing to being able to make jewelry simply wouldn’t happen. It would take a few months at least to get a firm grasp on smelting metals effectively to use. While I don’t know about smithing myself, I imagine it would take at least a year to get somewhere close to this level. Smithing isn’t easy to learn. Please revise this.
  • ‘A few years later on Bolrath's 13 birthday’ As before, three years have passed with no description as to what happens in that time. We need to know these details to make sure the character is realistic and believable.
  • ‘at the end of his birthday week bolrath had crafted a sword’ Making swords is very different to making jewelry. He’d have to learn all new ways of smithing metal, shaping it, tending it and making it ready for use. While it wouldn’t take a year this time, it would still take a few months to get right and make a usable sword. Please revise this.
  • ‘but all this blacksmithing has made bolrath muscular and intimidating’ At 13, a boy’s body is not mature enough to show any huge development of musculature, especially not to an intimidating extent.
  • ‘he kicked the wall closest to him, creating a hole big enough to stick a baby through.’ Again, even at 15 his body’s musculature would not be capable of this if the hut is made of anything but dried mud straw, or some like material. Moreover, he is a blacksmith, his strength will be concentrated in his arms and torso, not his legs. Please revise.

That's all for now. Bump the thread when you have made the necessary edits and we can continue.
#5
hi hutchy

sorry for the large time lapses in the story, i have added more detail to the younger years, and I have also added more appropriate time it took to create the items and how he managed to do it.
  


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